Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Chuck Steak...

In deep and darkened shadows
stood two shabby, soiled, dolls
They were sewed with ragged stitches
their faces screwed in scowls

Killer thought them cute, with little shiny knives
then they attacked together; malice in their eyes
Two blades of sharpened steel, stabbing at his knees
Killer sang out loudly, "What’s your name there, if you please?"

She shouted out, "I’m Tiffany and this is my boy-friend Chuck
You’ve just used up your welcome, now you’re out of luck"
Killer laughed at that one, and slapped his wounded knee
"Are little folk good to eat? I might just have to see"

"Not us, you dope, we’re not meat
Life’s blood we need, to motivate
Plastic veins, but human blood
The flesh of them, we’ve never ate"

A pact was made right there and then
They’d work together Hallow’s Eve
Just one night, ‘till their fill
Then it was time to leave

Bullies had scared the hood inside
The street is quiet now, it seems
Death waits just around the corner
Listen... hear them scream

The dolls have drunk their fill of blood
Killer’s got his bag of treats
Next time, don’t stab me in the knee
If we chance to meet

We won’t, we like you Killer
We all were satisfied
Well... I guess maybe not
the ones who went and died.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
I did this one for my Buddy who has a 1972 Chevy Nova and the Chucky and his bride dolls that ride in the car when he does the car shows. He took a couple of trophies for best of class in best dressed car for Halloween and for costume. He and another friend dressed as Chucky and the bride. It was halarious!
Editing stage: 

Comments

but it is a little loose in this stanza (lol imo of course) - especially the first line is kinda long

'A gang of bullies scares the hood inside
The street is quiet now, it seems
Death waits just around the corner
Listen... hear them scream'

otherwise good rhythm throughout - especially when read aloud (as of course poetry should be)

and in
'Are little folk are good to eat?' did you mean to use ‘are’ twice?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

the first mistake by eliminating the second [are]
How do you like the shortening of the line? "A gang of bullies scares the hood inside."

Thanks for your read and critique, ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

author comment

it reads smoother to me now
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I just knew ol' killer would show up around this time lol. Kinda give another meaning to "ankle biters".............stan

just couldn't let his favorite holiday go by without making an appearance. Glad you enjoyed, ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

author comment

the finding of that poetic voice
and in the length the story told
and that you fix your poems
when poets suggest changes

I cant lengthen my works in rhyme
i lose the story in my head
so I greatly enjoy your works

Car people love Chuck! reminds
me of the song by Springsteen
about Charles Starkweather and
his young girlfreind on their ride
across Nebraska one of my faves

Thank You

That is why I come to Neo.

To hone my skills
taking the cuts of criticism
and smoothing the story
so that it enters the mind
bearing fewer scars.

I too, like that song by Springsteen.
~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

author comment

Killer is at it again I liked the story and moving Killer into different environment will only broaden his horizons .... I am slowly working through killers exploits lol I starting to get used to him :)

love and higgest bugs JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

finding himself. Off on a "Walk about"? That's what the Aborigines call it, isn't it? Sometimes he misses "Sir Gee" but I'm sure that they will meet again. Getting used to Killer isn't easy for some folks, they are sometimes a little put off by his culinary tastes, though there are those that think his propensity for violence is the reason. He's having fun, and that's what counts I guess. Thanks for the read. Love and higgest bugs, ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

author comment

Chukies Back He He, I hope Killer isn't going to take on too many stragglers better to have stranglers.
Loved the new ways and am trying to keep up with his journey, but there was no mention of where he was, and that worries me more, take care out there and take lives young Killer, Yours Draugr

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Killer and the "Chuckies" have parted ways. it was just for the night on "All Hallow's Eve" It was mutually profitable for the three of them, but Killer's not the kind to run with anyone for too long. They were in Pittsburgh, in the alleys that run past the old steel mills. Where did you say you live? Killer might be interested in stopping by for a bite to eat. ~ Gee

The addition of a premium-membership can:
Help you navigate the site easier, change and create the look of your profile-page!
Just see what you can do! Add a bit of flavor to your profile and kick it up a notch!

author comment

I live in Iceland in the frozen food department, lol Hope his teeth are strong,
Yours, Gyps fulvus La La

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.