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Chrysalis (Bottom Line Workshop)

Okay children, here is my final submission for your perusal. It concerns the blade of Princess Clair'ice Christenson who is one of the heroines in my epic poem ÇAÇÔ, Man of the Morning Star. It is written in strict "heroic verse" which is to say Dactylic Hexameter. I have not scanned it. That I leave to you if you would.

Claire and her sword as ‘twas cited afore have been one and the same since young.
Deeds and adventures together they’ve had and the tales still by songsters sung.
Names are not given the blade by the hand that has wielded it swift and fierce.
Clovis yet tell that its name is well wrought and reflects on its means to pierce.

Never afore and yet never again will they whisper that storied name.
Exploits and legend they keep to themselves of the weapon’s right gloried fame.
Justice and honor it cuts through the land known by all as Life’s Lurien.
Lady of White in fair Illian blessed passing judgment beyond men’s ken.

Equity call it and tolerance sooth and far more its appellatives.
Princess and monarch it serves never failing as she never failing forgives.
Clovis will cling to its name, but shall I? I shall not, hence hear now its name.
Chrysalis Clovis with words all their own call the blade: ‘tis The Rightful Claim.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

any further, and a quick read tells me this is almost daclyic pentameter plus one iamb in each line, how much am I right?

The language supurb. Can't expect less.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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very strictly done. You hear the last two unaccented syllables as an Iamb and of course they could be read as such, but note what I told Ron and Stan. The location of the slightly Iambic ending is crucial. If you begin a line with a foot that is dubious it will set the tone of the verse incorrectly. However, by the end of a verse you could use almost any sort of tense and because the entire line is Dactyl the slightly less than Dactyl foot will read as Dactyl because the tone of the line is carrying you.
In other words it is not only important to use appropriate feet, but it is critically important "where" these feet lay. The further into a line one goes the more leeway one has to "cheat".
I took great care to write a very strict "heroic verse" here. If you think I missed here and there, please scan a few lines and show me where I added an Iamb.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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author comment

I did the first scansion orally (while reading), while should have been done with more care, and yes, I can see how strict you are there and how the use of some words by the end of the verse might be deceptive sometimes.
Thanks for bearing with me, sir!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Claire and her sword as ‘twas cited afore have been one and the same since young.
Deeds and adventures together they’ve had and the tales still by songsters sung.
Names are not given the blade by the hand that has wielded it swift and fierce.
Clovis yet tell that its name is well wrought and reflects on its means to pierce.

Never afore and yet never again will they whisper that storied name.
Exploits and legend they keep to themselves of the weapon’s right gloried fame.

(I am getting tired, parsing is hard work, I don't mind the dropouts, just hope they read and learn. The point is your Dactylic Hexameter is near perfect, though it is so very hard not to stress that last foot, eh!)

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

wants to be Iambic so badly indeed.
Thank you for looking at this. I was very pleased with the piece not because it has any intrinsic quality, but because I had been "practicing" writing in Dactyl and the practice had been going quite poorly for a long time.
Then I sat down to write this thing and all the practice came true. Somehow I fought with the first few feet and then... like magic I just wrote a poem. A simple, goofy, sentimental poem and didn't think of "Dactyl" at all. I just wrote.
Practice is magical.

And I agree. Scanning a poem is work.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment
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