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Childhood entertainment.

Submitted by The Mancunian on Sat, 2016-08-27 09:47

Run with glee down the cobblestone street,
full of youth's joy, never downbeat.
Football with all the neighborhood kids,
be a nuisance and bang rubbish bin lids.
Kicking a tin can and throwing stones,
childish pleasures and prepubescent hormones.
Mothers with prams and wailing babies,
girls in the park making chains of daisies.
A screech of brakes and slamming doors,
cricket on Sunday's and summer downpours.
Moths fluttering around the dim streetlight,
an adventure waiting at the building site.
Running home from school to watch the telly,
looking in the fridge for custard and jelly.
Sharing a bath with your siblings,
playing in the park on roundabouts and swings.
Summer holidays and trips to the beach,
we kids have code words its a figure of speech.
The hopeful melodic sounds of a distant ice cream van,
carefully crossing a road with the Lollipop Man.
Riding bikes and pretending to be a daredevil,
kissing a girl and feeling heroic and special.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing stage:

Not actively editing

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2016-08-28 03:26

First...

Welcome to Neopoet. Second... It's so nice to see another rhymer join the roles of our site! Your rhyme is very good and carefully planned. However, your meter could be improved. Never be afraid to either shorten a line by removing unnecessary words or to lengthen it by adding one or two.
For instance: Run with glee down the cobblestone street
Full of youth's joy, never downbeat
Football with all the neighborhood kids
Be a nuisance, bang garbage can lids

I hope that you enjoy being here with us and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. If there is something that one of us doesn't know, there are others that will. I'm looking forward to seeing more from you, hope you will find many ideas and practical help here. ~ Geezer.

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The Mancunian

Thu, 2016-09-01 08:57

Thanks.

Thanks for getting back to me. Your suggestions for editing makes sense and I'm more than happy to make those changes.

Chris.

author comment

jane210660

Sun, 2016-08-28 08:56

Hi and welcome from me too, I

Hi and welcome from me too, I'm quite new here and have really enjoyed being part of the site.
I liked the poem, can tell your memories are from good old Blighty, although I find the juxtaposition of the odd American word and English childhood memories a little strange :-)
Agree with Gee about the excellent rhyming and that the meter needs a tweek in places. I would change
being a nuisance and banging garbage can lids.
to
being a nuisance with the dustbin lids
also I'd probably take the 'and' out after youthful joy, and just put a comma in.
But these are just my thoughts, it's a lovely poem and you have bought back memories of playing out on the cobbles (bumpy on a trike) and the freedom we had as teenagers in England in the 60s - 70s. Jx

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The Mancunian

Thu, 2016-09-01 09:01