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A Chant For Gregory

her faded floral dress
clung to a gaunt and sinewed frame
as the wind molded it
to a hard edged body
no fat no curves
just age and hardship
molded angularity
arms outstretched
holding wet flannel shirts
A mouth full of clothes pins
Coaxing heavy material
on to the swaying line.
his clothes...washed every second day
Iron gray hair blowing
across her chiselled face
her eyes china blue
in laughing counterpoint
to the drab garments around her
she stood out on the hill
the line positioned there
to catch the breeze
the house sheltered
in the pines gave
no access to the wind
a blessing in winter
but warm in summer
the hilltop place
a simple platform
screened and roofed
used for "living rough"
she loved it there
during sunny windy days
and quiet soft nights.
her bed and an old rocker
all that was needed.
meals, she had lost her
girlish appetite for food and
other passions many years before
were prepared below
as was the washing
carried in baskets
to her summer "place"
The days were predictable
as years blended into decades
she waited and washed his work clothes
a joy in summer a challenge in winter
a rhyme and rhythm of
simple faith chanted calmly
until his return or her leaving
they would be reunited...
her heart told her so

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

The line
his clothes...washed every second day
juxtaposed with the lines
until his return or her leaving
they would be reunited...
her heart told her so
give it a dark, tragic feel, perhaps even a hint of delusion or madness.

The descriptive qualities are superb.

Just a few niggles-
sinued sinewed
chiseled chiselled
molded repeated, perhaps another word?
And the line
screened roofed platform
is a bit awkward and is not strong descriptively.

Overall a really good, well crafted poem.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Jess, thanks for your comments and edit. I agree with all you have noted and made the appropriate changes inthe poem. I'm pleased you liked the work. Its one I enjoy also.

Thanks again

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

Jess, thanks for your comments and edit. I agree with all you have noted and made the appropriate changes inthe poem. I'm pleased you liked the work. Its one I enjoy also.

Thanks again

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

I agree with everything Jess has commented, but i'd just like to add that i really enjoyed your poem. It carried me from start to finish effortlessly. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Thank you,Roscoe, for our kind remarks.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

Thank you,Roscoe, for our kind remarks.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

I agree with all Jess's comment and I would like to add that its a wonderful poem I thoroughly enjoyed the read

kudos

sincerely JC

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks JC, Its my pleasure!

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment

This is a lovely crafted poem. I could see this place and agree with Jess....a slight air of sadness pervades the theme. Images and lexis are in sympathy with the mature devotion.
Regards,

Ellie

Thanks for your comments Ellie, I'm glad you enjoyed the poem.

Joe

My mind's writing cheques my body can't cash.

author comment
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