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Bye Bye Woes (Rhyme Pattern #1 SS) Rula’s re-written by weirdelf

RE-WRITE

Slam your heavy woes
for nothing merits pain
after promising day's gain
a pristine twilight shows
 

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we always grow
and profit in tomorrow
for time should not be wasted
 

Now, hurry up! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
our ways with gold will shine
with our intentions clear
 

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust
 

ORIGINAL

Slam your heavy pains, woes
for nothing merits pain
A pristine twilight shows
a promisin' day to gain.

Clean the smell of hatred
with love we better grow
time shouldn't be 'ver wasted
profit in the morrow.

Now, hurry! come on dear
and put your hand in mine
when good intentions clear
our ways with gold will shine.

As happ'ness lingers
think not of the poor past
Don't moan, cross the fingers
sorrows can never last.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I felt the content was already a major factor in not being very SS so I just converted it to ABBA, which can further lessen SS and cleaned up, to my ear, some of the flow, without imposing a strict meter.
Editing stage: 

Comments

my only crit jess
maybe simply
'when in our future we trust' ?

also
'after promising days gain' - 'day's' ?

well re-written, takes a little of the hallmarky away imo
abba scheme seems to be the main conjecture of lessening the sing-song it seems

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

yes
'when in our future we do trust'
bothers me too, that 'do', there's a catch in the scansion without it and a forced feeling with it.

will fix day's

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

'when in our future we place trust' ?
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

done!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

When we in our future trust might work

I am late to give a comment on your great work jess. It is indeed nice though I always prefered the abab rhyme but it is not of course your fault. I really loved the last stanza , very well polished indeed :

Happiness gleans no dust
think not of the poor past
sorrows could not last
when in our future we place trust

Thanks again, Great work done for a simple halmarky work ![smiles]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I was concerned I had screwed it up for you.

Oh, and part of the exercise was to change the rhyme scheme.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

A very good change to the original and has your flair for form in there.
Small point in the second Stanza the last line goes:-
"for time should not be wasted" Can you say why the FOR is there?
Is it essential to the form of the piece?? other wise nothing to fault, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

that's why

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yep, I realised that it was for because, just thought it was extra to requirements, so assumed it was for meter or the line form..??
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I'll try again

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

The (for) at the beginning of that line could have been left off.
But if it is there to make a correctly balanced line as you do then its OK.
I know that For is used in place of Because as it is a synonym for because.
I thought that it just wasn't needed in that line ??
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

My very bad. I could have done it better. Without "for" the line is more profound.

I always stressed in meter workshops that words should not be used for meter alone. I fucked up. Hey, I might be good, but I'm not perfect.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

First time in a workshop, so i hope you'll forgive any mistakes. Jess i like what you've done to this poem, only thing that keeps popping into my head is. Verse one, line one. Clean the smell of hatred, i keep wanting to put . Clear our smells of hatred. Anyway i would like to enter into your workshop programme, would that be ok . Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

yes, of course you are welcome, ask Stan, it's his workshop.

Also check out Judyanne's and Beau's new workshop on critique.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

I think changging to the abba pattern did well in decreasing the SS quality..............stan

the poem itself shows that serious content doesn't negate SS. Remember my blog on serious limericks?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

author comment

Yes I remember but serious limerick would be an oxymoron. Kinda like a light-hearted dirge................stan

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