Blood Money

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem's strongest moment comes in its second stanza, where the abstraction of the opening gives way to a specific human figure: the young teenager watching bullets fly. The instruction to "Hold your breath, count to four" works well because it pulls the reader physically into a body under threat, and the rhyme of "four" with "floor" lands with a grim weight that earns its place. This is where the poem stops telling and starts showing, and the difference is noticeable.

The opening stanza, by contrast, leans on language that does much of the emotional work in advance rather than letting images do it. Phrases like "fatcats making blood money," "corrupt leaders have no empathy," and "you don't need to be a revolutionary" name conclusions instead of building toward them, so the reader is asked to agree rather than to see. The poem already proves it can do better in the second stanza; the suggestion would be to cut the editorializing of the first stanza and trust concrete images the way the teenager passage does. Who are these figures, what are they doing in a particular room or moment? A single precise detail tends to indict more powerfully than the word "corrupt."

There is also a shift in address worth examining. The speaker moves from "we" and "us" in the West to a direct "you" aimed at "my young soldier." That turn could be moving, but the closing lines lean on phrases that lose specificity at the very point the poem most wants intimacy: "It's not fair how you are treated out there" and "share our light everywhere" are gentle but general, and "out there" repeats three times across the final stanza without sharpening. Choosing one vivid thing to say to this soldier, rather than a reassurance, would give the ending the same charge the second stanza carries.

One technical note: the rhythm is uneven between stanzas, with the long prose-like lines of the middle section sitting awkwardly beside the tighter rhymed couplet. Deciding whether the poem wants a steady meter or a deliberately broken one would help the form support the subject rather than drift between modes.

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 a real commitment to rap of old here.
If you were to beat this out, you would see what I mean.

I got it; the sense of the beat, the rap of a youngster coming up,
who sees those with the most, give the least.

Good start, look around find your style, refine it to reflect who you are. 
In order to do that, you must acquiesce to the rules of the reader. 
Rule - 1- uncomplicated.
"  "    - 2- if it has to be complicated, make it make sense
"  "    - 3- If it is that complicated, maybe you ought to choose another subject.
"  "    - 4- KISS principle.
Refine your punctuation and line-breaks to carry what you say straight to the heart. ~ Geezer.