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A Bad Day in Iraq (New forms)

On the morning walk
Birds sing, cool breezes touch me
The world is at peace

My home here will protect me
My God walks with me today

Come my children gather near
The sound of the guns is nothing to fear
We shall walk much further today
A black flag flying it’s coming our way

Why stare
There is nothing
No food or water here
Stay close my children we have to endure
Just greed, and misguided fools, who want us to change the rules again.
My children I shall cry for you each day, I have to leave you along the way, it is so hard.
These stones, part of our land, they will shield you from more harm till we meet again, keep a place for me till we are free, fly my little ones, yet wait for me.

Time cannot heal this mind of mine
The children lost, left before their time
Yet I have now found a place to stay
People love me and their children play

I see my children in their eyes
I hear the laughter and I realize
The sounds are not from those I see
It’s my children they are still with me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


If my guess is right, you're starting this poem with a tanka. the second verse of the couplet -
"My own God walks with me today" has 8 syllable count. I suggest you do away with the word "own" so that it will be "My God walks with me today". I like the theme but not sure about the 4th stanza format. Maybe can even out a bit to make it flow better.


Thank you for your prompt critique on this piece, Neopoet format can't show the correct layout of the, "Fibonacci form" I have used in the forth stanza, but as it is it shows the steady downhill of the energy those people had as they walked from Isis, children left as they clambered away some barefoot to end up in refugee camps in another part of the country.
It is a little used form but I just put it in there as an extra.
Thanks again Yours Ian.T

Have taken out the extra syllable..Thanks..

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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