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aurora glide
Gently, she goes
as soft as a fawn
opens the window
and waits for the dawn
fireflies glow
wind caresses her face
as she sheds all the shadows
not leaving a trace
She dons velvet darkness
wrapped in its cloak
releases all poisons,
sylphlike,
in smoke
She is preparing for battle
in her own, quiet way
She only wants wholeness
as she breaks through the gray
For soon she will weave
prismatic wonders of spells
her own inner aurora
lighting heaven from hell
For suffered she has
and it's time to forgive
unlock self-made prisons
and let herself live
and now as sunrise approaches
stars still in sight
she turns the skeleton key
and glides
into
flight
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage:
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Comments
themoonman
Sun, 2018-10-28 18:45
Hi,
I like it, sparkling with imagery
and presented with leading punctuation
indicating just how you want it read,
very refreshing to see.
This should have artwork to accompany,
just a thought I had while warming to the end.
There are probably improvements to be made
but sometimes it is best to let the piece speak.
thanks for sharing
Lavaheart
Tue, 2018-10-30 15:28
Hello, themoonman
Thank you very much for that lovely critique. Artwork is a cool idea. I did have a clear image in my head when writing. Anyway, thanks again for reading and taking the time. :)
author commentgregwa8
Mon, 2018-10-29 00:52
nice rhymes and rhythm to
nice rhymes and rhythm to this poem. the nature imagery goes well with the magical imagery (especially the likening spells to the aurora) and I'm drawn into the emotional life of the protagonist. is this about someone with insomnia? an early riser? the anticipation of the dawn seems pivotal to the poem.
Lavaheart
Tue, 2018-10-30 15:37
Hi, gregwa8
Thank you very much for your positive and perceptive words. To answer your question, yes, the dawn really did symbolize for me an end to the period of painful darkness. In addition, my feeling of writing it was one of waiting, quietly, for the right moment to make a move. So yes, the emotional state was important, here. Thank you so much for reading. :)
author commentbrittle light
Mon, 2018-10-29 10:51
quite charming...but the
quite charming...but the meter seems a little too "cute" for the subject, even though it reads smooth as silk (which is no mean feat in itself)
It has a jaunty bounce, imbuing the optimism of the piece, yet belies the story of past suffering the protagonist is trying to escape.
the remedy: ignore me.
you are obviously intelligent and talented
please, do not let my thought about form and function haunt your muse
this is just one guy's observation on a single poem
respectfully,
Al
Lavaheart
Tue, 2018-10-30 15:43
Hello, Al
and thank you. I do appreciate what you say because I never would have thought of that. You do have a valid point. I write pretty instinctually, sometimes with rhyme and sometimes not, and oddly enough, this one popped out in that kind of "bounce, " despite the real pain and desire for freedom behind it.
I am not sure I will change it, here, but I will definitely consider that for future writes. I really appreciate your making me think in a different way, as well as the rest of your comment. Thanks much! :)
author commentraj
Tue, 2018-10-30 15:38
Hi Lavaheart
I liked the lines
"her own inner aurora
lighting heaven from hell"
which i believe is the foundation of your theme....nice..
...................................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
Lavaheart
Wed, 2018-10-31 09:38
Thank you very much, raj. :)
Thank you very much, raj. :)
author comment