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Attaining a promising verse

Who would promise a flourishing garden
that is barren and poor with no womb?
With no food or a plough it would harden
the attempt to attain what might bloom.

Who'd be raising the child; that's the voice
of the future, genteel, and true stone,
if his parents do not care with a choice
of upbringing his manhood with hone?

That's the verse with no rhythm or rhyme,
with no thoughts to evoke or to bliss
or emotion to shake-that's sublime
it won't awe or invoke, it's amiss.

Attached with a spoken word..

http://chirb.it/mqxFMa

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

hope others would share you the same opinion.
Thanks for your kind words dear.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I am having trouble with the second stanza. The second stanza reads too inverted to me like words were transposed for the sake of meter.

that being said, the poem flowed very well in the spoken form and outside of my comment it was a very well written piece.

Scott

Scott

I appreciate your critique. I've edited that second stanza accordingly. Do you still feel any undesirable inversions?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

if ain't is really tripping me up. Otherwise it feels much better

Scott

Scott

I wanted 'if hasn't" but hasn't being of two syllables, I changed with 'ain't' . Not sure what could it be replaced with.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Who cares if the poem is good (the meter works very well... a couple of spots I don't like, but not enough to even point them out) I heard your voice!
I am very excited. My precious friend Rula from Palestine (wow, do you sound like you're from Palestine) spoke to me in her own voice and I heard it.
This has made my day joyous.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I know I have no real accent, but right pronunciation at least, I think. Many Arabs would read much better than I with true British or American accents but those surely have the chance to study the British or American syllabus by native speakers. A chance I never had as I grew in Yemen ( a poor country of a few resources if any ) in the early seventies.

Back to the poem,

"Who cares if the poem is good?"

Well! I think I do, and you sir too!

I didn't much like the 2nd st. and Scott mentioned some problems there. If the ex. is not asking for a min.of three quatrains, I would be satisfied with the first and the third.
The meter is fine you said, I think this's enough to give me a motivation to try again.

I know it's not a decent poem. I'm struggling these days to write anything of any value. It will come, hopefully.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

reading through Neopoet
Love this...
its articulated
and clever

raining here and cold
the leaves are changing
and falling the leaves
crisp..

a mind trip read
on an end of a great saturday
for me

Thank You!

I wish you a happy day, month and a great season.
Thanks for your words.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

dear Beau
you could have accused me, as a native speaker of the language, for using "bliss" as a verb :)
I know you could and it might be one of the things that Wesley and Scott were generous enough not to point out.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

Just wanted to tell you that I listened and loved
your voice, the poem is ok but your voice carries
a wonderful tone.

I notice that in the spoken, you repeat the line
"That's the verse" but it isn't written that way,
I'm assuming it is for meter (not being written
that way), just wanted to say it works being
repeated to enhance the importance of that
particular line to you.

Great voice Rula !!!

thank you,

Richard

You have absolutely got the idea behind repeating the beginning of that line. It' s the core of the whole thing,I guess.

Thank you very much for the visit and your kind words.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Really great to hear from you!!
My pleasure.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
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author comment

It adds a dimension we can never hear otherwise, even amongst native English speakers with all our different accents.

By the way, you weren't the first. When Neopoet had inbuilt spoken word recordings I was the first to post one. I think it was about toilet seats [grins]

It has meter, but which particular meter were you aiming for? Dactylic? It was hard to place.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I'm sorry, my fault. I should have mentioned it is "anapestic"

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

And it means so much more when we hear the inflections of your voice. The message is clear!

Loved it.

Love Mand xxxx

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