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All In My Head

Submitted by emogothgirl on Tue, 2012-02-21 11:25

you tore through my memories
and took what you wanted
until you were the only thing left.
you burned a dream on my eyes
and it made too much sense
how my unconscious can be so unkind
and i couldn't sleep because
i couldn't close my eyes
every time i did you were there
stealing memories
branding dreams.
the eyes are windows to the heart
and sometimes the shades get heavy
and start slipping
so i let them slide;
maybe if i faced you in my head
i could get some sleep
but then the phone rang
and your number was bright
and i couldn't close my eyes long enough
to answer.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
blah. just sleepless blah in run on sentence poetry form.
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-02-21 11:36

Candlewitch's picture
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I would change the title. some suggestion for titles are: Thief, Or Memory Thief, or Brigand. The language could be a little more colorful or stronger for to increase the intensity. The theme holds my interest. I like these lines:

but then the phone rang
and your number was bright
and i couldn't close my eyes long enough
to answer.

always, Cat

p.s.
sleeplessness is a real pain!
my sympathies

*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

emogothgirl

Tue, 2012-02-21 11:56

emogothgirl's picture
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i will take a look at the title; i probably can come up with something better.
as for the language i was trying to keep it simple. when i'm tired most of the time i have to think simply or i never get to sleep!
thanks,
mag

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2012-02-23 02:31

weirdelf's picture
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he is doing you no good.

But the poetry is very, very good.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

emogothgirl

Thu, 2012-02-23 09:57

emogothgirl's picture
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i'm trying to! it takes time, but i'll get there.
thanks,
mag

author comment
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