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“I’m here.”
Why do they act so much like them?
Same used smile…
Same name…
Same use of words…
They have grown too familiar
To him in the pile.
His name of the figure
The one that’s filled with shame.
Every word couldn’t be filtered
It went on specific terms.
“They’re like us…
Like them.”
Way too much like
Them.
That gave me a random spark
to check on them,
to make sure they are
okay
every day.
I don’t like seeing them
sad,
or hurt,
or mad,
they’re too young.
I wish to bring them out of
what they go through,
out of the bad things
because they’re too young.
But every day,
they wander off.
Leaving me worried.
“Have you seen them?”
“Have they spoken to you?”
“Where have they gone?”
Am I annoying them?
Am I doing too much?
Are they lost?
Looking for them
as if they are my kids
I barely met them,
Why am I acting like this?
They’ve already went through so much
Why must more be added?
I can’t and will not lose them.
No, I will not let that happen.
I need them to know that I’m here.
always.
Even if they deny, I will prove it.
One day.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I did the draft in the middle of the night, and it was edited this afternoon. This poem is kinda all over the place since I did try to mix in every little emotion, feeling, event etc. that I was feeling and going through. But this poem is mainly based off some online friends that I have now and a mention of old friends. My friends now that I made a few days ago remind me of my old friend group and they are quite young. I’m about to enter high school and they are gonna go to middle school (for some at least), and I just want to take care of them and help them throughout their experiences. The poem may have not been clear, but I feel like with this context could help.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Jenifer James
Mon, 2023-06-19 07:26
I hear so much in this early
I hear so much in this early draft. Not sure yet what this poem is about - just glimpses of something/someone lost - and fear, maybe? Love to see how this one develops, there is such a sensitivity and delicacy in the questioning. I can see why this one is close to your heart.
I hope all is well.
Jenifer Jaspa James
Walten
Mon, 2023-06-19 12:31
I am still working on it
I am still working on it since my brain wasn’t fully working, but I am going to edit this to be better and to try and give a better perspective on what it is talking about. I’m not too good at writing things in detail, but I’ll try my best. Also thank you, I hope you have a good day. :))
author commentGeezer
Mon, 2023-06-19 10:52
As Jenifer...
has said, it is difficult to ascertain what this piece is about, but definitely is worth reading and hoping that one will see the finished product. There are a couple of things to look at, and I think that they are just a matter of re-reading and an edit.
1] But now, [they've - they have] wandered off
2] Looking as if they are my kids
3] They've already been...
I get a sense of timidity about this; as if you have the feeling that you have no right, or will receive no answers, but you have to ask. As always, my suggestions are just that and feel free to ignore or use any or all of them or perhaps twist them to fit your use. Nice job, ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Walten
Mon, 2023-06-19 12:35
Thank you
I do appreciate the suggestions, I might use them since I couldn’t fully pay attention to my wording (I made the poem as I was staying up and so my mind was tired, but I still tried to work on the poem). Also thank you! I hope you have a good day. :)
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