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~ <3 Set Fire <3 ~
You wanna hide this pain,but you cant
as it courses through your veins.
such power you feel,is this real?
or is it your mind searching for a outlet for your hate.
Dont use me as bait
thats not my fate to be your doll,
after all you just used me for what you want.
and it makes me want to taunt
Im tired of being used and abused.
you just need me to finish your work
.but now its my turn i have some work of my own.
my love my partner in crime
i have no time
we shall take a match to this city and watch it burn.
As it turns everything to orange and red flames
like bright colors to remind us we are losing nothing.
ashes to ashes dust to dust
i feel at peace as my heart burns
my love this war is over
so no need to fight
just watch whats in sight
ashes to ashes dust to dust
im peacefully fading into the dusk.
my work is over now its time to blow over
into the invisible thing i once was.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
omaha ne
Favorite Poets
hmm dont really have any although Edger Allen Poe is really good i love his whole dark out look. But i mostly like to read one written by people my age.
Comments
scribbler
Sat, 2012-04-07 17:48
Hello
Welcome to neopoet. In answer to review request questions:
Title: The~,3 brackets detract from the title in my opinion
Rhythm, pattern and spacing : Well I'm no expert but there seem to be a few lines that could easily be split ans some of the rhymes seemed forced and unneeded. Also need a few ' here and there in contractions
Theme : very good theme with vivid imagery
Beginning, ending : The beginning is strong but the ending was hurt by too close repeat of over.
Now don't take these ideas as meaning I didn't like this as I Did. But a bit more work could easily turn ok into OKAY...........stan
LoVeMeNeVeRFoRgEtMe
Wed, 2012-04-11 18:20
hello
thank you ill remember your advice :)
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