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LZ
Lil Z
Jul 04, 2010 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Serial's Mind

Secreted hole of deprivationA childhood filled with painThis became his motivationA feeling he can’t explain Hysterical thoughts have blurred his mindHis bloodshot eyes bleed insanityHe will grasp his victims from behindWith grips which have missed reality When he’s caught them, they’ll never be freeHis tortures are excessively cruelLifeless bodies sit under the treeWhile the thread’s swinging over the stool 
(Murderer)The body is goneTwas awfully longCut it to piecesWhile singing a song
— Lil Z, Jul 04, 2010

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Critiques

L

Lonnie

15 years 11 months ago

Nicely done!

Interesting theme, vivid imagery, and some subtle shifting of reality make this a poem worth reading and very memorable!
S

scribbler

15 years 11 months ago

serial

hey Z!dark look into mind of a beast.line 9 could be:once they're caught they'll ......but that's just me as either way works.......scribbler
LZ

Lil Z

15 years 11 months ago

Hey Scribbler!

Yeah, I'll definitely change it like you said, this poem wasn't very well thought out at all, and thank you for helping me to improve it!
M

Marie-I-Be

15 years 10 months ago

another possibility

I like Scribbler's idea to use "Once," but I like the rest of your line the way you have it. How about: Once he’s caught them, they’ll never be free
M

Marie-I-Be

15 years 11 months ago

good and moody

This writing disturbs, and that's a great thing. Suggestions: On line 7 I would replace "grip" with "grab" to avoid the repetition in the following line. On line 8 I would replace "that" with "which" for better vowel play. On line 15 I would replace "that" with "who" for word-to-word flow and to lend personhood to the victim. On line 16 I would replace "Real" with "Really" for grammatical correctness and for better syllabic alignment. Another interesting and unusual piece from you, Zach.
LZ

Lil Z

15 years 11 months ago

Thank you Marie!

Yes, I will definitely look through these changes and improve it like you said, thank you for helping me improve this!
Professor Purple

Professor Purple

15 years 11 months ago

A great exploration into the dark side!

Before reading Marie-I-Be's comment, I was thinking of replacing "grips" by "hands" in line 8, now I'm not sure, well you decide you've got 2 suggestions for avoiding that repetition. Otherwise I agree with Marie-I-Be and Scribbler on their suggestions. Scary stuff, keep it coming! I'm just happy I'm reading this in the daytime otherwise I would be jumping at every noise right now. Antoine
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

15 years 11 months ago

Hello

I agree with professor purples assessment. Very dark and deep descriptive! Always, Cat
xena465

xena465

15 years 11 months ago

Dear Lil

Smashing stuff. I wrote a poem a while ago about the dark side of human nature. Wonderful. Xena Quote: Science is what you know; philosophy is what you don't know. - Bertrand Russell
loved

loved

15 years 10 months ago

its different

i serialise it as gr888888888888888888888888888888