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SAND STORM
Throughout the arid desert lands
sandstorms howl their pent up fury
and beat against the tyrants' strongholds
with ever increasing force
Through the swirling chaotic haze
it is impossible to see
exactly what is happening
as long as whirlwinds hold sway
Soon this storm, like all others
will fade into the past
But for now we can only guess
what has been destroyed
and the land's lay
in the aftermath
Too often cleansing storms are corrupted
immediately upon their passing
by so called freedom fighters
who wish only to be free
to impose their will on others
But let us hope what this storm births
for once is peace and tolerance
and a final end
to grieving mothers
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
Realized it had been a while since I mangled a free verse lol
Editing stage:
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Comments
Candlewitch
Wed, 2011-08-24 13:39
Dear Stan,
But let us hope what this storm births
for once is peace and tolerance
and a final end
to grieving mothers
Some really brilliant metaphors here. I too hope for the fruits of peace and tollerance. Maybe someday...
always, Cat
*
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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
scribbler
Wed, 2011-08-24 16:32
Hi Cat
Thank you. I sincerely hope that this Arab Spring doesn't result in more Irans..............stan
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2011-08-25 20:27
Hi Lonnie
I guess only time will tell the outcome but we can hope for the best............stan
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2011-08-26 04:49
You set up a fine metaphor
then spoil it with a sledgehammer (and rather dubious) political message.
Nicely written, good use of blank verse.
the line
will come to pass [usually means something that will happen, not will end]
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2011-08-26 07:20
hi Jess
I guess that hoping for a good outcome to all that is happening over there Could be considered political. Was only meant to say I'm hoping for the best............stan
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2011-08-27 11:34
My advice.
Fuck Robert Frost, write from your beliefs (not, for chissakes from the heart.)
You are a highly skilled poet but try to express it in trite metaphors.
No wonder people don't pick up the deep meanings of your poetry. You are like Robert Frost but gettin there. Try to write exactly what you mean and add poetic language afterwards.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2011-08-26 11:02
hi Jess
I think you might be forgetting how comparatively new and unread I am at this. I think in another few years i might be able to approach getting things right, but I'm going to keep writing as best i know how until then. Practice makes less imperfect lol. As to not as good as Frost.......not exactly a news flash for there are few around as good as he was. Thanks for the prod though..............stan
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2011-08-27 21:25
"The mark of true genius,
is being able to disguise your influences".
You'll get there boyo. You have undeniable talent and craft.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-27 22:43
hi
Thank you.I reckon it's the journey that will be the most fun lol.............stan
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2011-08-26 07:22
hi Rose
My hope is that all the democratic movements in middle east will result in more stability and less fighting..........stan
author commentscribbler
Sat, 2011-08-27 17:01
Hi Ian
There have been so few elected governments in that part of the world that it has been my experience that once a faction gains control there, they just step into the shoes of previous dictators or kings. But I sincerely hope that those in Iraq,Syria,Egypt, Libya and even Iran will eventually enjoy the benefits of choosing their own leaders by majority vote and that the majority will not then trample the minority into dust...........stan
author commentTam the Chanter
Sat, 2011-08-27 19:38
Libya
Gadaffi is on his way out, shortly to be replaced by a bunch of US / NATO - backed snake oil salesmen. As some French guy said; The more things change the more they stay the same. I liked the sentiments but not the blank verse, but that's just me. I don't agree with the wee fairy guy, if you keep it simple you will reach a bigger audience. It all goes back to a tosser called Balfour, who sold the Palestinians' land without their consent.
Ian
TIME FLIES LIKE AN ARROW, BUT FRUIT FLIES LIKE A BANANA
scribbler
Sat, 2011-08-27 20:39
hello
In 20/20 hind sight it is easy to see the mistakes that colonial powers made in trying to force tribal lands to combine into larger countries. I try some blank and free verse on occasion to stretch my wings. I think doing so actually helps when I use my preferred form. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment.........stan
author commentLawrence
Sat, 2011-08-27 22:48
cadence
good cadence, subject matter is interesting to me because of my location's drought and heat. I am working on a piece that reflects this subject
scribbler
Sun, 2011-08-28 00:29
hello Lawrence
It is always good to greet a new reader. I hope your location is not Texas as that drought is terrible from what the news shows.Thanks for the visit and I look forward to you drought poem...............scribbler
author comment