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Princess

 

Outside in the doorway

She stands morose against the rain,

Lavishly Sucking

On the sixteenth cigarette of the night.

 

Her ladies in waiting

Cackle mindlessly beside her,

Picked for their fat

And grotesque orange faces.

 

With practised grace she stamps out her fag,

Slightly her skirt rides up,

Showing off a glimpse

Of her pale, blueish thigh.

 

A mess of her bleached locks

Brings them back into line,

Checks her face in the compact

For any cracks in the mask.

 

And with heeled run she goes in,

Back to the bar and her men,

Vodka in hand, Bad opinion on tongue

She searches the room for a stallion to ride.


— Kieran Nelson, Apr 01, 2008

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Critiques

Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

18 years 2 months ago

Well done

I have one small comment. In the 2nd stanza "mindless" might work better as "mindlessly." Aside from that, what a stark and cynical (in every good way) portrait of the princess of the harem leading her gang of sycophants to support her ego and desires. Really, this was a stunning piece. From the aptly chosen title to the raw look and depiction of the dance going on to the aside about how she surrounds herself with those she classes as less attractive in order to reflect better upon herself. It was like a slap in the face to the popularity that over rides good sense.
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks very much for the

Thanks very much for the comments :D I was tryin to portray her as a horrible thing, not in body but in mind (although I was going to elaborate after stanza 3) I'm not too sure about your suggestion but I'll give it a shot and see what everyone thinks. Thanks! Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
S

Skumpfsklub

18 years 2 months ago

Well, she won't lack long--there is a market for that stuff

The last line seems to have a definite article wandering around out of place. Lose the 'the.' Is 'heeled run she goes in' idiomatic in Scotland? UK? To my American ear it sounds odd, and I'm not sure of the image intended with your phrasing. The picture is clear enough, though: Cheap goods in 'Do Me' costume--the cost is too dear. I've met her. We didn't get along.
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

Wow I hadn’t even noticed

Wow I hadn't even noticed those two glaring errors, missed out words man, missed out words! Made the amendments as you can see, hope it reads a little better. The image was her running back into the pub in heels...I'm a simple man, of simple words. Thanks much for your comments! Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
L

Liamb

18 years 1 month ago

Do we know her?

You write such a descriptive image here that I am sure any who read it will identify with this princess (or at least one who resembles her) in real life. Well done!
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 1 month ago

I don’t, no! Btw, when I

I don't, no! Btw, when I wrote it, the dorrway in question was the wetherspoons on suachihall street ;) Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week