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KN
Kieran Nelson
Mar 12, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Thank God

At the head of His church Stands a most splendid altar. Made, of the smoothest marble, Adorned by most wondrous things. And each day There is a procession; A cortege unto the Lord's table, Where they come to show; Their love, joy and gratitude. The actor sings, “Not worthy!” And lays his Oscar down. The painter sings, “My Lord!” And lays his oeuvre down. The mother sings, “Praise be!” And lays her children down. The president sings, “Hail Hail!” And lays his country down. Thanks be to God.
— Kieran Nelson, Mar 12, 2008

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C

Conect11

18 years 2 months ago

thanks for

your entry. Good luck in the contest! Mark W.
EA

eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

Hi Kairan the poem ends (for

Hi Kairan the poem ends (for me) on the last line of stanza 3. I would cut L4 of stanza 1. L4 stanza 2, I would cut "walk of life" and substitute - they go to show. in L5, do you mean gratitude (gratuity)? Although I would cut stanza 4 out I would keep the last line- Thanks be to God! Then I think you might have a good-un here. All the best eric
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

I’ve amended it as you

I've amended it as you suggested Eric thanks. II wasn't too sure at first about taking our stanza 4, but when you think about it, it didn't really add anything to the poem. Thanks, let's see how it fairs now Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
EA

eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

Its working for me now

Its working for me now Kieran but I have an additional thought in the last stanza it would be better I think if you brought the action into the present tense like--- The actor sings, “Not worthy!” And lays his Oscar down. The painter sings, “My Lord!” And lays his oeuvre down. The mother sings, “Praise be!” And lays her children down. The president sings “Hail Hail!” And lays his country down. What do you think? You could also get rid of those "ands" by using Laying instead of lay but I am not sure if all those "ing" sounds will work. eric
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

That’s a good idea Eric,

That's a good idea Eric, it actual works better with my original idea for the poem. It was going to be as if watching it and describing the scene to someone. There was an ommited first line of "Now look," However I am going to keep the "And"s in there, I like the repetitive nature it adds to that part. I wanted to show the labourious way in which the procession takes place. Thanks once again for you comments Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
EA

eric ashford

18 years 2 months ago

Forgot to mention that you

Forgot to mention that you cound get rid of more "ands" elsewhere. Connecting words can be bumps in the road sometimes. For instance L4 "And adorned, by the most wondrous things." could be written- "Adorned by wonderous things" (you could use - artifacts) you could then lose the comer at the end of L3. Also L1 stanza 2 where you have- "And each day" 'Each day', would surfice. Just some thoughts to make the poem leaner and fitter regards eric
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

Well what I’ve done is

Well what I've done is amend line 4 of stanza one, removing the "and" but also the "the". But I'm going to keep the "and" in line 1 of stanza 2, it doesn't seem to repetitive now with the previous one removed, and also I like the tone it adds to the piece. I don't think it'd sound nice if all the conjunctives were removed. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

18 years 2 months ago

My two cents worth: You

My two cents worth: You could still get rid of the "and"s without adding an ing sound to it by saying, She lays her children down, He lays his country down, etc. Good poem! Always, Cat
KN

Kieran Nelson

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks for your comments

Thanks for your comments Cat. I feel doing that would just be substituting one word for another. While it's true I could change them, I don't think it'd make any good impact on the poem. I think I'll leave it as it is, just now anyway! If there's a cavalcade of comments to say the opposite, I'll think again! Thanks again. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week