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(untitled)

I gazed, into her listless eyes
and saw the vacant haunting stare
the lilting echo of her cries
reverberates, though she's not there

I strained, to catch a fading glance
amidst the fogginess and haze
in hopes that faith maintained a chance
if only it could catch, her gaze

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
Still unable to decide upon a title
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Comments

a great description of a coma or even death itself great job
Eddie
title suggestion; THE SILENT TEAR (OR CRY)

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Welcome to Neopoet.
I like this little poem of yours.
As a title, "Gazing" comes to mind.
As a criticism, I would say that in my opinion your use of commas is a little off. For example

"I gazed, into her listless eyes"

I would do this

"I gazed
into her listless eyes"

which produces the same effect, but without punctuation that can cause a break in the cadence of your poem.

Keep writing, this is good.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I did not realize this is your first post, but jim did. So welcome to the land of the freed poets.

"When adversity befalls you, do like the mighty Bull. Charge!!" Jose de Diego

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

I enjoyed this poem a lot, if this is an example of how good you are, your first post bodes well for future.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

hillrider

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