Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Love is death
Let the pain roll off my back
Into the sand my blood drops
My dreams go with the wind
My laughter sounds in hell
The knife you shoved into my back
Cuts into my heart
Until everything spills from inside me
Down I go
Spiral out of control
ceaseing to be
Watch as blood gushes from my mouth
As my heart bleeds through my skin
I fall to the ground
Look up at you and say
Your love was just my death in
a pretty disguise
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I wrote this quickly and it's short but it said what i wanted it to
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
Race_9togo
Sat, 2011-02-26 01:46
Hello Alice,
I like this, I think it is quite good.
The only real criticism that I have is the repetition of the word "down", which seems out of place in this piece. Perhaps the use of different words describing the same thing?
I enjoyed this. Not bad, for a quick one!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
Alice Ember
Sat, 2011-02-26 02:02
Thanks Jim
Thanks Jim, i hope the changes make it better
author commentAlice Ember
Sat, 2011-02-26 02:44
Thanks
Thank you so much.
author comment