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The Beat

Rain pounds the beat
of my scarred heart
The rain displays
so many mistakes

I watch in horror
as water turns to grief
The beat accelerates
brings my heart along

Millions of hearts shattering tales
dance with such grace
in the tribal rain
Water rises

Tribal drums keeping time
as water tumbles down
Each drop bringing more blood
Each scene makes me gasp for air

Blood, Tears, and Heart ache
All dancing in the rain
churning in a pit of hate
Drums stop, Good bye

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
This was one of my pieces for a scholarship. I didn't even make it to the finalists. So, I figured I'd get some use out of it. You can judge it anyway you can. Better?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Enthralled and entrapped in the primal, elemental, shamanistic depth of emotion.

Until the last 2 lines. Sorry, but to me they were a real let down. Perhaps your intent.

Why not end with some gusto? I'll make some lame suggestions in the hope you get my drift and come up with something better.

And for that reason
I breathe blood and dance wildly
on rainy days

I dance with my sisters
in grief and joy
of our power

All dancing in the rain
painted by the blood
of our very being

see what I'm trying to get at?

cheers,
Jess
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I'll work on it during school today and fix it when I get home. Thank you very much

Alice

author comment

I have to concur with Jess on this one.

Another angle: (or variation on the theme..)

Rain is a bastard queen
ruins my makeup. Colours drown.

~A

If you have anymore advice i'll work on it after school. Thank you so much for your help. I appreciate it

Alice

author comment

I like this very much. The pounding throb is palpable.

"Heart ache" is usually one word.

I agree with the previous comments about the ending.

"mixng in the mud
Bringing us to hell til the end of days"

perhaps something like:

"mixing in the flood
that brings us to the end of days"

or

"that drowns us to the End of Days"...

...something like that, since there is a deluge going on through the rest of your poem, and mud always gets covered by water when there is enough rain.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

I'll work on it again today in school. Thank you all so much for the feed back.
'
Alice

author comment

each scene leaves me gasping for air
blood, tears, and heartache
dance in the rain
mixing with mud.

Do you think hell and end of days need to be written down?

~A

I too liked this piece and have a couple of suggestions,
in the second mention of rain, perhaps another word would
enhance it; puddles or mist or fog ...

In the second mention of tribal ... perhaps lose it as the
image is already there, the drums or their drums would
keep the image and perhaps polish the piece ... or not,
up to you.

I too felt the ending a letdown and not nearly as strong as
you may have felt at the time of writing it. I can only say what
I would do there, I'd make the ending; in the mud of the dance,
but that would require a rewrite of the last stanza to remove the
other mention of dance ... or perhaps "in the mud of" and come
up with something strong there ...

just some ideas ... hope you don't mind,

thanks for posting

Richard

I'm working on it right now. Edit it soon

Alice

author comment

better

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

well constructed

endings are crucial with magnificent peices
either crescendos or structured gentle gestures
to stillness to impact the dramatic flourish
introduced

"bloody tears and aching hearts
a dance of rain that churns the
pit of hate
the drumming slows
a story late
time for goodbye
neath stormy gate.."

Just my take on your poem
but I enjoy pondering such
a work of flair and power as this

Thank Y ou!

This is wonderful. Pure emotions and imagery. my favourite stanza is -

Millions of hearts shattering tales
dance with such grace
in the tribal rain
Water rises

Alid

Alid I'm glad you're enjoying my work and thank you for your input

author comment

you're most welcome.

Alid

I agree with the first comment, it feels like you cut the story before we hear the conclusion.

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