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TANGLED MAP OF COULD HAVE BEEN
Untried dreams we now regret
( we'll do it later, just not yet )
Perhaps a message t'was not taken
led to another's poor heart breakin'
Had ink never flowed out of this pen
this poem would neither start nor end
maybe we'd sleep well at night
had we not begun to write
Untaken roads, choices not made
debts forgiven and repaid
a decision made or one we shirk
a word that does or doesn't work
How many times in every day
do we each pick a different way
until the map of routes untraveled
resemble a facsimile of the human psyche unraveled ?
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
this is for the contest, now all this old fart has to do is remember how to E-mail it to lou lmao.
Editing stage:
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Comments
crypticbard
Fri, 2010-11-26 01:09
not positioned
to speak about Japanese forms. So take what you can from this, my comment. We live in the is and has beens.... The last stanza carries much weight in centring the whole poem.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:45
tangled
So nice to see you on my page. Just listed it as Japanese to see if anybody was paying attention lol..........scribbler
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:47
tangled
Hey Shirley ! tried to send but unsure if it went through. Guess I'll message lou to find out.........stan
Race_9togo
Fri, 2010-11-26 01:26
Stan
Nothing to critique. My personal observation?
There goes my chance at winning.
heehee.
;)
An excellent poem, and an excellent interpretation and use of the comp line.
Good luck!
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:49
tangled
You have at least as much chance as I ! I just took the line and kind of worked backward from it............scribbler
scribbler
Fri, 2010-11-26 19:51
tangled
I just wrote it for fun with no expectation of winning. I am glad you like it though.........stan
Victorclaude
Mon, 2010-11-29 10:49
"How many times in every day
"How many times in every day
do we each pick a different way
until the map of routes untraveled
resemble a facsimile of the human psyche unraveled ?"
Very cleverly put! You have a natural knack for this cleverness.
Bravo!!
Victor
"When a pickpocket meets a holy man all he sees are his pockets."
Unknown (at least to me)
scribbler
Mon, 2010-11-29 16:39
tangled
A natural knack shouldn't require the effort I put in this lol................scribbler
Kailashana2
Mon, 2010-11-29 16:44
There ya go... genius.
There ya go... genius. Natural knack plus effort.
;-)