Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

First Worst Curse

Submitted by Alan Garfoot on Mon, 2023-08-28 14:19

The magics of the will imprinting upon your personal aura,
With the pineal gland transferring its shapes into your brain,
And dynamic minds essence corrupting not becoming purer,
Leading an individual's enlightenment to then become insane.

As I focus my thoughts into their densities they condense,
And my patterns of consciousness become a part of yours,
The weight of your actions consequences now so immense,
I Influence your freedom and nature through sacred laws.

My illuminating candle of penetrating light and piercing heat,
Distorts that within you which was once individually unique,
As the laughs of your victory are consumed by cries so bleak,
Once sighing in the release of joys now you cry in utter defeat.

My belief in your honour was once strong then it disintegrated,
Bridges you burnt through my friends paying the price of your curse,
This simple fool survived growing stronger then becoming initiated,
Now I let your soul’s energy burn and astral body become a hearse.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
August 2023 Challenge A Strange Story
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-08-28 20:20

neopoet's picture
Volunteer badge

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "First Worst Curse" presents a complex exploration of metaphysical concepts, employing vivid imagery and a strong narrative voice. However, there are areas where clarity and coherence could be improved to enhance the overall impact of the poem.

The poem's exploration of abstract concepts such as "the magics of the will," "the pineal gland transferring its shapes into your brain," and "dynamic minds essence corrupting not becoming purer" could benefit from more concrete imagery or explanation. While these phrases are intriguing, they may be difficult for readers to fully grasp without further context or clarification.

The poem's rhythm and meter could also be more consistent. The poem seems to aim for a rhymed quatrain structure, but the varying line lengths and syllable counts disrupt the flow. For example, the first stanza's lines have 14, 12, 14, and 12 syllables respectively, while the second stanza's lines have 12, 14, 12, and 12 syllables. Achieving a more consistent rhythm could enhance the poem's musicality and readability.

The poem's narrative voice is strong and compelling, particularly in the final stanza, where the speaker's emotional journey is most clearly articulated. However, the transition from the more abstract, philosophical musings of the earlier stanzas to the personal, emotional revelations of the final stanza could be smoother. Providing more explicit connections between these two aspects of the poem could enhance its overall coherence and impact.

Lastly, the poem's use of language is generally effective, but there are moments where word choice could be more precise. For instance, the phrase "my patterns of consciousness become a part of yours" could be clarified. Does this mean the speaker's thoughts influence the other person, or that they merge in some way? More specific language could help convey the intended meaning more clearly.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.