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Your Glow

Submitted by Ian.T on Tue, 2012-08-07 14:37

Your Glow

Starlight doesn’t disperse shadows in my mind.
They point to those places that we should find
Peace that transcends each hour of the night
The shadows will stay until new daylight.

Hold us here from this our shadows glare
I am so frightened we will be lost there
Thank you my love I can now feel your glow.
This is where, with your love I want to go.

In love together we could always be
Just you and me, both, being completely free
Now hold me as I feel the morning warm.
I am in essence, beautifully reborn.

Hold me I will become a part of you.
The future, for us both, with thoughts anew.

Here is the new version of Your Glow that our wonderful Judyanne has helped sort out.
I am useless at correct form but today I thought that I would try, one of the ways of writing Poetry,
This may still need some work but I feel great having such a good teacher and I like the results. Yours Ian.T

Your Glow

Dispersing starlight shadows in my mind
all point to places that we wish to find
Peace that transcends each dark hour of night
The shadows will keep until new daylight.

Hold us here from this our shadows glare
I am frightened we will be lost in there?
I thank you, love, I now can feel your glow
and this is where, with your love, I will go

In love together we could always be
Just you and me, both, being completely free,
then touch me, I’ll become a part of you
the future, for us both, with thoughts anew.

Now hold me as I feel the morning warm
I am in essence, beautifully reborn

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Not sure what this is, but I tried to write to a form, but there always seems to be words in the wrong places ????? Please as Judy did come in and have a sort it is good poetry that way, Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

judyanne

Tue, 2012-08-07 15:24

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you have here the makings of a lovely sonnet
it needs work with the iambic, and it is a tad short of having a volta
but it is a lovely start
can I write it for you in iambic pentameter ?

dispersing starlight shadows in my mind
all point to places that we wish to find
with peace transcending each dark hour of night
the shadows will remain until new daylight

so hold us here from this our shadow’s glare
I’m frightened we will end up lost in there
I thank you, love, I now can feel your glow
and this is where, with your love, I will go

in love together we could always be
just you and me, both, being completely free
now hold me as I feel the morning warm
I am in essence, beautifully reborn

then hold me, I’ll become a part of you
the future, for us both, with thoughts anew

I’m not that impressed with the closing couplet – can you think of something a little more memorable?... actually i reckon it would work great if you swapped the last four couplets around
ie
In love together we could always be
Just you and me, both, being completely free
then hold me, I’ll become a part of you
the future, for us both, with thoughts anew

now hold me as I feel the morning warm
I am in essence, beautifully reborn

there are a few repeated phrases that spoil it a little (the 'hold me's specifically) but i am sure you could think of a couple of changes....

a lovely write ian – well done in your attempt at form
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-08-07 18:56

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Thank you for your wonderful comments and help here.
Sometimes I try to give a piece form, if only I had been in a place that taught these things.
Mostly I write in an Auto way and the ones that help never worry about form or patterns, they are more interested in giving a message out.
When I actually sit down and write something of mine and try form, it is a brave day.
There are the very few days that it is really me that is writing, and it takes quite a while to compose a piece like this..
In my ignorance of form, to me it is another language, though in the research for the A-Z and when I look up words that others just throw out I do learn some things..
Jess is very tolerant of my ways and is a great critic, teaches me many things, as you do.
I don't down myself at all as the writing I do or have done is there and one day will belong to my Grand daughter who will sort out one or two pieces, I have given her the freedom of my web pages..
It is wonderful for me to see how you have arranged the words I have written and given it a life, thank you, this as the other one will have to be a Co write, and of course your name first.
As you can realise this piece though hurried I did take the trouble of checking the syllables, later I was going to look at the arrangement of the words, You have done a great piece of work here and it makes life a joy to see that there is a proper poet that takes some care on what they say and do.
I will look at this again tomorrow and put your ideas in and shake it up a bit.
It is late here at the moment Wife and Dog are making night noises lol so as it is 23-17 I will say Night Night and know that your good thoughts today are precious to the ways of everything, Yours Ian.T & family

Just finished the first rewrite it is under the original time is now 23-55 Night Night and may you walk in love always, Yours Ian xxx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2012-08-08 14:50

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it is never a co-write
it is your write and your write alone
i have simply edited it

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-08 15:17

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We have been here before when you assisted in one of my writes.
I have always said that to change one word is to make another poem.
Thank you I shall take the total blame for this write with many thanks to you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

loved

Wed, 2012-08-08 01:34

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I think Judy

is too good
she has helped you structure your sonnet
I have yet to do….
And
then thank her too,
but have had too much on my plate
still to do

loved

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 07:53

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and especially our Judyanne, one of the most giving people here.

The differences are subtle, I opened two windows to read both versions side by side, but the result is spectacular.

Congratulations to both of you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:53

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Judyanne came and did teach me, of a few changes that would make this piece and it worked.
Thank you for your read and good comment, I had to juggle a few lines as the original were all 10 syllables and some of the corrections were 11.
The end product was quite a lovely piece, I may go solo one day lol.
But this is a workshop and a joint decision is always good to have.
That was the first try at an open Sonnet and I didn't make that many mistakes lol. Thanks again, Yours Ian.T

PS:- Your portrait has aged again if you can get in touch with
"Dorian Grey" I think he had an answer to that sort of thing, and where is the Kookaburra.??????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 08:58

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that portrait is from 4 years ago, the bald one was the recent one. Maybe I do have a secret portrait stashed somewhere. Kooka never leaves, whether you see him or not.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-08-08 09:00

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i wondered why you changed some of the lines... they now are out of iambic - with some only nine syllables :)

as i have told you before - those lines i used with eleven syllables are perfectly legal and are called feminine lines ...they go :--

ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta
- ending with an unstressed syllable

they were used a lot by shakespeare.... and are useful for emphasising parts of the write

it seems i'll be running a sonnet workshop soon - i hope you join
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 09:12

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I've told you so many times, you don't count the syllables, you count the feet
ta dum is one foot but two syllables. But the ta, as Judy says, is weak, or feminine, so you can sneak them in places.

Hey! Don't blame me for the sexist nature of poetic notation!
Call them unstressed and stressed syllables to be politically correct, but count the feet, not the syllables.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-08 12:16

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You both know I never cross dress
ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta dum ta.
What is this with giving those lovely ladies an extra Ta.
I have been working on De Dum now this Lady want me to say TA.
Does this originate from always being thankful to them???
This was written with just 14 lines come what may and it was a check of my use of correct writing, I forgot to go De Dum instead of counting syllables..I will learn one day.
Thank you both for your guidance on this one I promise to improve, one thing on one of the lines you wrote:-

just you and me, both, being completely free

Well I counted this as 11 syllables and the use of the word both seemed to be a double of "you and me" that is why I took it out..
Enough for today on this I shall have a think when my female side subsides lol, Yours Ian.T...

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

loved

Wed, 2012-08-08 12:51

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to sonnets.... ta ta ta ta

da dum what ???
i can't fight the sonnet slot
ta ta ta
to your sonnet boss

loved

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 13:00

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is that ian is struggling to learn and grow,
whilst loved glories in being slow

Now I know that's not quite fair. You have at least been making some sort of sense and thinking in your poems lately, loved. But Ian is brave enough to tackle something much more difficult that is already showing in the spiritual depths of his work.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-08-08 13:03

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just you and me, both, being completely free

yes, it probably is 11 if you say it as be-ing… I was probably using a little too much poetic licence here – but it is really one and a quarter of a foot lol - can almost be said as one syllable…

and the word is needed there for the iambic
just YOU |and ME, | both, BEING | com-PLETE | ly FREE

or could say instead to make it 'proper'
just you and me, we’ll be completely free
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-08 14:37

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I bow to your learning and knowledge of this subject, I as Jess said had not been looking at the feet, I will change it back to using Both in there and then it will be back on line.
It really is hard to learn these things and my old brain will grasp it in the end, or before the end at my age lol..
Thanks again for your wonderful help, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-08-08 14:48

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mine is nearly as bad.
New languages of any type, human, poetic, computic are the hardest to learn.
I just expect you to bluff better, that's the way I get by [winks]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-08-08 15:23

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To Judy and Jess for their time in helping with this piece now we can move on to help others, if I need help at this age what the hell are you going to do with all those young ones that join us lol.
My thoughts are with you all as always, my unconditional love to you all..
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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