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You Rule My Darkness

In dreamlike sleep you walk

Desperate need of rest.

You speak I do not listen.

Overcome with dread

For the feelings on which you fed.

I go screaming into the night

Never sure of what to do,

Because I'm so in love with you.

Wrist to wrist I take your blood,

Cutting and then cursing.

Little drops mingle.

We are as one.

Finally, the night is done.

You awakened

Saw the nasty deed,

Saw the sleeve on which you bled

Held me with the bloody knife

Bit my neck.

I came to life.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Really, now you dream like me? If so then get ready for a fantasmic ride GF lol
Easily put and gets your story across.
Keep em coming.
Later,

~Mark~

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Didn't steal your dreams this one came directly from me. I somehow wish it didn't. I don't believe all this blood and stuff came from me but what the heck it's a fantasy.

Patty

author comment

Hey, B9Pat!
Glad to find a new face here.
You wrote a lovely poem.

I have some suggestions:
"dreamlike sleep" is a confusing combination of words.
Did you mean

I walk as if in an eerie dream
In desperate need of rest.

I scream into the night,
don't know what to do.
I am in love with you.
( See if it works for you to shorten the above lines).

Wrist to wrist I take your blood,
Cutting and then cursing.
Little drops mingle.
We are as one.
Finally the night is done,
I am (?)awaken
and see the nasty deed,
the sleeve on which you bleed,
the knife into my neck.

These are just suggestions.

IRiz

Thank you for your comment.

B9Pat

author comment

My only complaint on this one, is that you flip-flop on the last few lines with tenses. I think that you would be better off with sticking with the past-tense after "Finally the night is done."
You [awakened]
[Saw] the nasty deed
[Held] me with the bloody knife
[Bit] my neck
I [came] to life

Maybe just me. ~ Geezer.
.

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and I missed it here. Ya need to check tense :~)
Great call Gee..
Keep working on it Pat.
Later,

~Mark~

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I really like this dark lullaby

Bites my neck,
I come to life …..grrrrrr

Sounds like a voluptuously erotic vampiric love poem , Very hot!! and just my cup of tea xox ;)

Structurally Id like to see you write a little more smoothly
When a poem is excessive in personal pronouns it weighs it down and subsumes its musicality

In dreamlike sleep you walk
In desperate need of rest.
You speak yet I do not listen.
I am overcome with dread
For the feelings on which you fed.
I go screaming into the night

EX:
dreamlike sleep you walk
desperate in need of rest.
overcome with dread
the feelings on which you fed....then a line break

I go screaming into the night
"the" is excessive, an unneeded article
so how about
I go screaming into night

Does that help? Am I making sense to you
I also imperticularly like Iriz's suggestions. The idea being to find language that enlarges the feeling of your poem

Apostle of blood
flesh of scarlet

Lets get together for a bite someday LOL :))))))))))

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