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yeshivas

Submitted by emeka ozurumba on Tue, 2014-03-04 11:53

shivers chill ivres
serene surreal lyres
she fast sea vast
pours foam quivers
where aspens willow
divers circum
Siddur Senghor
troubadour Negress
buttress lioness
torah baroness barren nest
ween win wist wrist
for the Cyrus cylinder
projectile conductile
lintel linger Intel
Yeshivas intellectual

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
this poem is about me pondering on various ideas to use in the enhancing of my poetry, should i use the philosophy of Siddur Senghor the renowned African poet who used negritude as his vocal point of message, or do i use Dennis Brutus with the famous , troubadour ideology or do i even go to use the torah and Talmud, even bringing the retrospection of a Nigerian poet Christopher Okigbo where he used the lioness head of the Egyptian mythology to profound his poetry, this thoughts centrifuge me and like sea vast, pours fast , so i wist my wrist linger seeking true inspiration , to become a true intellectual
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Sun, 2014-03-23 04:27

Ian.T's picture
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I am sorry but as you say in your last few words, this seems like a shopping list for the bones of a poem, the poem is more than just bones it must have dimensions in physical being and feelings.
Just take the simple thing like the Sphinx of Egypt it probably had the head of a lion originally and still stared out over the desert, or maybe when it was built the land was not desert but bush land that turned to desert and then some self loving Pharaoh had the lions head made in his likeness, a story a theme with dimensions.
This is the second list I have read this morning and it is far to early in the day for hard thinks.
Keep writing as your use and knowledge of words is needed here, Yours Ian.T

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