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Wrinkles of Gold

Like origami
Every fold a line of gold
A simple symbol
But pay respects to how complex

I have an image in my mind
Of steady hands
Folding paper
Into an origami frog

First here and then there
Forward, backward
Up and down
Together and apart
And back together again

Wrinkled, perhaps
Like the paper craft
Itself

A frog of paper
A frog of flesh

When we’re done
Will we remember
Each fold?
The work
That went into
Each organ,
So to speak?

Each inner
Wrinkle of gold?

But life will have
Its own perfect
Plicatured form

Each line
Making its intricate
Biological mark

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

you are on to something. But put yourself in the mind of the reader..the first part about the intricacy of life using the origami which work, as a symbol. This part of the poem is a public stance, you making a statement. Then you switch gears, the subject is no longer our lives and choices but Mother Nature, asking it (you) if the boat is belly up. Then back to the subject of choices now entering the poem "we"...and I just don't understand the end, I don't feel what you are trying to say,,,it's too abstract for me. In the end I'm not sure what the intent is, what is the poetic truth you are aiming at.

Why is the only punctuation a question mark?
"Oh" is archaic, try "O Mother Nature"

The poem has something going on, the voice is there. You know what you were trying to tell us, but for me I need more coherence...stick to the origami theme, how life is like it...

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

thanks Eumolpus for the feedback. The poem felt a little too impersonal to me and your comments encouraged me to focus on the origami image, bring it through the poem more. I went more in the direction of luck than choice, though our choices play a huge role in our luck I believe. Just wanted to take some of your advice and run with it.

author comment

Zippers work pretty good too lol
cling, ca clang...cling ca clang
:~)

Later,

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

Your title lol Creative!
Now all the dictionaries wanna know where I heard that word.
Later,

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

seems to me you have two complete poems here. Poem #1 (about a coin)

I left my lucky coin
In my pocket
When it went through the dryer
Last night
And it charted the stars
On each rebound
Against the moving cylinder
The metallic sound
Like the hammering
Of light
Through darkness
I didn’t stop the machine
I leaned in
And listened
To that moving body
My luck
On its seemingly erratic
Geometrical course

Poem #2 (about origami)

Like origami
Every fold a line of gold
A simple symbol
But pay respects to how complex
I have an image in my mind
Of steady hands
Folding paper
Into an origami frog
First here and then there
Forward, backward
Up and down
Together and apart
And back together again
Hands wrinkled, perhaps
Like the paper craft
Itself
A frog of paper
A frog of flesh

When we’re done
Will we remember
Each fold?
Each piercing of light
Through the darkness?
But life will have
Its own perfect
Plicatured form
Its own
Microcosms of light
Made one ray
At a time

I do not see the connection between the two poems. They are both self contained. I omitted the word "no" . I don't think a poem should answer a rhetorical question with "No". A few typo's also (its for It's). I do not understand the title, a made up word which doesn't reach me, personally. I also don't get it I the poem... I also cut-

A universe of stars
(Oh to see inside
A star!)

This is a really really great, but don't see it juxtaposed with the origami frog. it takes us out of the focus. I would use it elsewhere.

As always, my take. As I read these poems they both make sense to me, and have good poetic narratives and truth that stay within themselves.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Macrocosmos would be more proper as Macro-cosmos ?
Later,

.
.
That's how I see it,

Mark L.

being a me too, but Yeah... I se two poems here too! Either or both would stand alone in any venue. Keep up the great work. ~ Geezer.
.

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thanks guys. I split it into two poems and made a couple changes. thanks for the feedback.

author comment

It has the ring of the late great Shel Silverstein.
I hope you too are happy with it too.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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