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Wore Your Grace Like a Charm

The day that shame was invented
A paradise was lost
A universe separating lovers
Made of black holes and dead stardust

Floating untethered
In the dark
We lost our only true spark

The day that shame was invented
Love wrapped us in its arms
Although remorse made me naked
I wore your grace like a charm

Caught by your
Forgiving hand
And given back to the land

Ooooo Ooooo

The day that shame was invented
What was wild was no longer free
A world of wonder connected
Now a broken unity

Though every atom
Spun in place
I was cut off from your face

The day that shame was invented
A new avenue was made
Though darkness burned in my bosom
You met me in the shade

I matched the ardor
Of your chase
And your amazing grace

Oooo Oooo

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Sorry I haven't posted on Neopoet for a while. Been working on an album of 14 songs, called What Grows Us. My first foray into full composition, by myself. This is song number five. I'll put a link to the song below.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think it is a great line for a song
"The day shame was invented"
If it were a poem, I would ask to develop the topic, for example, to mention that shame was used to control people minds and I would send to hell holidays and mascarades when you are given a chance to be shameless for a moment.

But for a song it looks just right. The last stanza is perfect. That escape is inspiring.

Come back with poems. Don't forget that you are also poet not only a song writer.

IRiz

sorry, I'm just excited to share my WIP with a creative community. I will definitely be posting more poems in the future. shame is a complex subject. the song is meant be framed like a relationship between lovers as well. people get hurt, do hurtful things, but hopefully there is grace and forgiveness. and a mutual chase. thanks for the read and the comments!

author comment

No, thank you for the pleasure hearing yet another great song of yours

IRiz

I love this piece. drew me in from the first sentences. I felt in similar company someone who saw the world as I see. a fine piece of writing brother. I'll listen to the song now

John

thanks dalton. I'm glad it found resonance with you. thanks for the kind comments

author comment

Good stuff. I like the repeated line throughout.
I stumbled on a couple of lines, until I listed to it sung.
Don't stumble on those lines now!

The Song: Remix please, stronger vocals, softer rhythm guitar...and sharper on the guitar picking!
Good Song. When is the album being released?

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

thanks Jim! I've heard it said that written works are meant to be heard aloud. the rhythm is so important in poetry and of course music. the album is dropping probably this weekend, if I can stay on schedule. I'll direct message you a link when I'm done. I'm glad you liked it.

author comment

I think its stunning as a poem not sure about the song. but different things appeal to different people. I'm sure my style of music might seem unpalatable to you. I love the Pogues

keep at it and I wish you all the blessings in the world with your musical career

thanks dalton. I go back and forth, thinking about doing poetry or music. I figure I'll just do both and see with planes land on the landing strip.

author comment

yes I think you should do both. I love this poem and the more people it reaches whether through the text format inline or in a book or as a song must be a positive thing

Very good, holds the reader all the way through. Regards Roscoe...

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

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