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Without money

You are dead without money
Familiar as the saying goes
Visitations bring strange sad tales
With the loss of clout to purchase
Self confidence starts to erode
Stagnant shadow grows tall from base
Time ticks, the world moves on with it

You are dead without money
You know it is not really true
With breathe and health, the mind assigns
Instinct of self preservation
Exchange battered into money
Resources are sold on demand
The lazy man dies of hunger

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

unless I missed the irony.

I do understand how important the meaning of your poetry is to you but consider your reader. Make them want to read it, with tragedy or humour. This is one of your lesser pieces. It is more a diatribe.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I missed the shot, an attempt to encourage a friend out of joblessness landed below the belt. Our people say, 'you do not have to look for poverty, it will find you'.

I will attempt to polish it or throw it into the waste basket. Yhank you for the frankness and best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment

wouldn't it be better as with
breath..

loved

so do food and shelter.

What were you trying to say loved?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

For the time and comments. Best wishes.

tr

A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light

author comment
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