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The Widow
Night slips slowly through the gray shutters
It glides down the roof and seeps down gutters
Soon it swallows the house and me within
The grandfather sounds softly as dark hours begin
I light the candle and mount the stair
Of the house that's grown baren and bare
It once was a house full of laughter and fun
But those things now the house and I shun
We enjoyed our family through all the years
Through all the love, laughter, and tears
The children are gone now to find fortune or fame
To give honor and glory to the family name
Father and I stayed quietly here
Grew more loving with each passing year
But now I'm alone and I welcome the night
As I dream old dreams when life was so bright
Yes the sparkle is gone from my life today
As the house and I struggle to find our way
We creak and groan and grow pale with age
Sadness and loneliness are our daily wage
But we share in something no man can replace
For we live in old times of culture and grace
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is the ramblings of an old woman.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Sat, 2017-06-10 12:35
This is...
really good. I felt the loneliness and yet also the hint of satisfaction of having raised a family and sharing a good life with them in a house that has been filled with laughter and joy. I was just lamenting the lack of rhymers in poetry and you are the second new poet that I have read today that rhymes! Your title is apt and the rhythm is pretty fair. I thought that the language was very good, as I didn't have to puzzle out anything you said and your logic ran smoothly all the way through to the end. Nice work. ~ Geezer.
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jane210660
Sun, 2017-06-11 06:31
Beautiful
I love this poem. I love it for several reasons.
One, it is beautifully written and carries the pathos of growing old and the twilight years without being overly sentimental.
You have used rhyme so well and made it work for you. It isn't driven by the rhyming pattern and your choice of word works because it is the right word and not because it happens to rhyme.
And........ I love it because it could be my Mum. We have a large family house where we all grew up and my grandmothers lived with us too.
One by one, they died, we grew up, left for university, came back briefly, left again, got married, developed careers, the usual.
Finally my Dad died last year and Mum is on her own in the family home. Now she can't drive, I worry about her being there with just the family ghosts for company. I wonder if she is lonely. Yes I ring every day and go over when I can, as do my siblings, but it's not the same as living in a large bustling family group.
A lovely poem, thank you for posting.
jx
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Eumolpus
Sun, 2017-06-11 12:56
Very moving
You have painted a very real painting for us. The first stanza is simply stunning. The poem moves delicately and every image is wonderfully done
One of our reasons to be here is to critique so I will offer just one. Whereas there are no cliches or overly used phrases ,fortune and fame strikes me as such. The kids are gone like mine to seek their lives but I think you might use a less used way to say it, more personal from you
But that is minor and this is a truly a gift with great use of images and rhyme. I wish you the blessings of grandchildren too!
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings