Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

When the words speak (A Sonnet) (edited)

I'll rhyme the words to rein the raging tide
and whip the pains and blues away with verse.
I'll make my rhythms like a saddle ride
to lash away the sorrows, splash the worse.

Who said that words can't speak and shout , engage
to heal the souls that always weep and grieve ?
Who said that words can't lull the hearts in rage?
They've got a worthy message, I believe.

In verse the words shall live for long and strive,
that never matters whether frail or strong.
They strike the heart and buzz as bees in hive,
and proudly shout to echo loud and long.

Your words and mine shall free the hearts from pain
My words and yours shall shower peace with rain.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

keep on it – practice makes perfect
this is great – I really like the analogy of words and nature

still some iambic problems
‘in Po-e-tRY WORDS SHALL LIVE for LONG and STRIVE,’
needs more thinking on than my time allows to offer suggestion on – sorry

‘i'll MAKE my RHYTH-ms a SADD-le on to RIDE
to LASH the SORR-ows 'WAY, SPLASH the WORSE.
- suggestion to fix
‘I'll make my rhythms as a saddle ride
to lash the sorrows 'way and splash the worse.’

and as for the shortening of ‘of’ in
‘Of course they've got a message 'f worth, I believe’ – I really don’t think you can get away with this
- suggestion
‘Of course they have a message worth belief’
then change
‘and heal the souls that always weep and grieve’
to
‘and heal the souls that always weep with grief’ –

‘Who said that words can't lull the hearts when rage?’
--- would ‘can’t lull those hearts in rage’ sound better to you?

some of the rhymes felt forced to me,
using the words ‘bong’ and ‘rime’ – unless I’m missing something – they don’t really fit the write
also wild and ride, change and rage really don’t rhyme….

also it’s still missing a volta imo

don’t be disheartened – you’ll get there
i liked the word usage and, as i said, the symbolism
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

It is really kind of you dear Juddy to give a comprehensive
look and offer suggestions. How about editing the title so it
would be read as an ordinary piece of poetry ,not a sonnet
What do you think?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

don't give it up as a sonnet --- work on it dear rula - it is worth working on - will be a BEAUTIFUL sonnett

please don't let my crit put you off
- i love sonnets, took me a long long time to get them even half right...

and i really want to help someone who seems so keen to write them
love judy
xxxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Juddy, again I really appreciate your words of encouragement..I'll try to look again into it and consider what you've suggested..Please keep your crit. coming on , I am really making use of it. You know what is really driving me crazy is this syllable stressed and unstressed. My language , Arabic ,-English is a second language for me- hasn't this characterisation which make getting them right very difficult but I won't give up for sure :-)
Thank you

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

and i applaud you for the grasp you have - there is little to fault, and english-speaking people have trouble even with working in iambic

a good trick is to dum ta dum your way through the blanks where you are trying to fit words - sing it
another good trick is to consult the dictionary when unsure where the stress is...

it is considered really rude to re-write someone's work rula ... so i have been really rude and i apologise...
but this is such a beautiful write i have so wanted to show you what an edit could do
:)

I'll rhyme the words to rein the raging wild
and whip the pains and blues away with verse.
I'll make my rhythms as a saddle ride
to lash away the sorrows, splash the worse.

Who said that words can't alter, speak or change
and heal the souls that always weep with grief?
Who said that words can’t lull those hearts in rage?
Of course they have a message worth belief’.

In poems words shall live for long and strive,
it doesn’t matter if they’re long or short.
They strike the heart and buzz as bees in hive,
and shout aloud and echo and cavort.

My words and yours shall soar up high with time.
they’ll free the heart, one day, your words and mine

it's still missing a volta - and rhyme is still a bit off ..... but that's not so important for now for you as to getting the iambic correct xx

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks once again..Highly appreciate the time you are taking to give this a better read.
If you've noticed I had already considered some of the alternatives which you offered yesterday and
very much like the tricks which you've offered to defeat the stressed unstressed syllables.
I so often check the Merriam Web. On-line, however, a verb like Shall comes as both stressed
and unstressed and therefore one needs to use the other trick to make sure if it is str. or unstr.

Also you've mentioned that the words RIME and BONG while as I looked them in Merriam Web. as my dear reference I feel they go with the write . Here I attach the two links and would really appreciate if you tell me what you think..

The word rime as a veriant of rhyme (v.) http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rime which, I believe rhymes with time and in other theasures it is used as [archic]
also the word bong (v.)http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/rime again which goes with long

Please feel free to tell me I am wrong and still I have one thing to ask but will wait to see your opinion in these two ..Thanks again and again..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

the iambic is great
just one line needs to be looked at
‘to lash the sorrows 'way, splash the worse’ – has only 9 syllables
you either need
‘to lash the sorrows 'way (and) splash the worse.’
or
‘to lash away the sorrows, splash the worse.’

also, a couple of very minor things
‘and heal the souls that always weep and grief’ --- ‘and grief’ doesn’t fit, you need ‘with grief’
'Who said that words can't lull the hearts when rage?' --- when rage also seems wrong – ‘in rage’ does make more sense

I know that ‘rime’ and ‘bong’ are words rula, and ok – they do fit the write as such
but my suggestion is that, with ‘rime’’ you are bringing an old word into the write which (in my case anyway) causes the reader to pull up in a fashion I don’t think you don’t want him/ her to
you have also used the word ‘rhyme’ in the first verse
I tend to avoid using the same word twice in a poem – unless I really want to draw attention to it….

as for ‘bong’
sorry – to me there’s no poetic value in the word
especially not in this write
when I read it, it seemed to me that you had trouble with a rhyme – that may not be the case, but that is how hard it jarred….
it is really important to pick words that sound like the write too

it is also really important to have a finishing couplet that resounds
I just don’t think yours does yet

so glad you found my earlier tips helpful
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Thanks for the helpful tips and suggestions . I will sure think of better closing lines and come back to see what you think. Highly appreciate your effort..

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

wonderful rula
see – told you not to give up
don’t you think it was worth working on now?

one tiny thing
‘Who said that words can't speak, out shout , engage’
I would make
‘Who said that words can't speak, shout out, engage’

also
'and loudly shout to echo loud along'
- maybe another word for one of the 'loud's ??

so well done – I’m proud of you
love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'm really grateful . Yeah , I am really happy now and
fully satisfied. but don't you think "out shout would keep a better
iambic meter as "out" is minor unstressed word?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

it is better to make the words in correct order - reverse syntax is awkward and not really poetic unless done well

and as for this line, i reckon you could get away with it
as the emphasis can be spoken and still sound correct
..
Who SAID that WORDS can't SPEAK, shout OUT, enGAGE..

in normal speech we say some words with different emphasis dependent on the meaning
eg
i SHALL go THERE
I shall GO there
...
else i would make it (if wanting perfect iambic)
who said that words can't speak out loud, engage
or
who said that words can't speak, e'en shout, engage
or
who said that words can't speak and shout, engage

but sometimes for perfection one has to compromise word use
that's the difficulty with sonnets :)

...and then, on reflection
you could hyphenise it
who said that words can't speak, out-shout, engage

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Yeah, I am more with speak and shout to preserve the Iambic at least untill
I feel I have mastered it really well..Always grateful and appreciate giving
quick responses...Yours

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

i am so glad i was able to help
and even more glad you persevered :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

In my limited opinion a sonnet may well be the most difficult of all rhyming forms. The problem they always give me is in trying to sound unforced within the tight restrictions. This one sounds much more natural than the few I've attempted. I have a few things you might consider :
Line 5 try speak, shout and engage
Line 12 try loud and long
If you like them great if not give them a toss..............stan

Thank you Stan ...You are absolutely right..Seems that it is never
easy to do it without forcing some words here and others there.
In fact I liked both of your suggestions and considered the second one
as it doesn't affect the meter , but left the first as it did
Thanks for reading and leaving a comment....

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.