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When the Poet Died.
When the poet died,
nothing lost was found.
Ever he would hide
poesy he had bound.
When the poet failed,
no one sought his work.
But he never quailed,
left alone in murk.
When the poet passed,
everything he wrote
stood no chance to last.
He had never gloat.
When the poet ceased,
beauty went away.
Darkness was released.
Now, the night is day.
When the poet died,
nothing lost was found.
We had all relied
on the poet's sound.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
Trochaic trimeter with catalectics. Alternating rhyme scheme.
This is the single most obtuse piece of poetry I have ever produced. It actually has meaning, but I'm not going to offer it as I would rather see the various perspectives my peers might detect. Thanks Stan for the title and I apologize that it's also my first line. I just hate that.
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Region & Country
Southern California
Favorite Poets
Tolkien, Byron, Longfellow, Shakespeare, Dr. Suess, Elizabeth Browning, Robert Browning, Dickinson
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Comments
scribbler
Wed, 2012-02-08 16:16
hi Wes
Firstly you forgot to include worksop in title. As punishment you must now insert that now lol. Kinda liked the way the poet was unappreciated until after he was gone( think if I left My stuff would be acceptable? lol) The line "he had never gloat stretches to point of breaking to maintain rhyme I think............stan
Barbara Writes
Wed, 2012-02-08 23:21
Real good Wesley
The title "when the poet died" really flow line by line here as with most poets of ancient, their poetic fame only come after death. It's a good thing in modern day that some poets are recognize while they still live. There is a moment on on a tv station where poet read their own poetry as a celebration of great poets alive and deceased.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
Bonitaj
Thu, 2012-02-09 04:46
Hello Wes.
welcome to the world of "working with titles"... ;)
On first reading, with no realization that this was linked to your workshop piece, I remember thinking - this is not the type of superior work I'm used to from you. Now, upon reading your comment under the relevant section, I can see the mechanics being:
"Trochaic trimeter with catalectics. Alternating rhyme scheme."
To me it seemed too forced in places and hence comes over as a little trite.
Sorry, but IMHO that's just how it reads. You're more than welcome to critique my attempt with one of your titles:
"Excuse me, I thought you could write."
Thanks for posting.
Bonitaj
wesley snow
Thu, 2012-02-09 11:19
I agree with all.
It is too forced. One of the reasons was that I chose to write in trochee. That meter and I don't get along, so I have a difficult time thinking that way. However, only experimentation will clean that up. After 20,000 lines of iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets my mind revolts when I try something different. The subject didn't turn out as I wanted, because I simply could not "think" to include the perspectives. Therefore a number of things went unsaid that I think would allow the poem to make more sense.
I don't like this poem, but I tried and I know I have grown somewhere, I just can't see it.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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author commentscribbler
Thu, 2012-02-09 23:28
yes
I agree that trochee seems unnatural when maintained over a number of lines. If you don't like this as is there's nothing preventing you from changing it over time until you are happy with it...........stan
Bonitaj
Fri, 2012-02-10 08:39
Wes,
I can't take back what I said, but I can add to it with: "don't be so hard on yourself! Glad that you too, got something from the workshop...
Regards
Bonitaj
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-02-10 12:16
Don't ever hold back with me.
I'm terribly confident about my poetry and know that I produce some pretty nifty stuff (please see Çaço, Man of the Morning Star, Canto One). I want to improve and the only way I can do that is by confessing I have failed from time to time and having my peers tell me so also. I take that bit about "the raw truth" very seriously. I hope others are reading this too. You can't hurt me, you can only help me. Rip my poetry apart if you can. Don't shy from the language and don't fear that I will misunderstand and have my feelings hurt.
I say again- you cannot harm me.
Thanks Bonitaj, I will expect your absolute truth hence forth and always.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentBarbara Writes
Thu, 2012-02-09 11:38
Thanks for trying Wesley
You may not like the poem and I agree it could used some tweaking to make it flow better.
With that said, I concentrated on the title to see if it resonated throughout the poem and it did nicely.
So you have indeed grown. Even in your storytelling writing picking the right title and making it resonate throughout you story is important when trying to draw your readers in. Though not necessary for this workshop, you can attempt to make this a storyline in a short story to see how you can work out the kinks.
I'm glad you was willing to joined while heading you own workshop. Not a easy task at least for me it isn't.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
loved
Thu, 2012-02-09 14:13
Did you have me
in mind when you composed this
seems familiar to my resonance poetry
loved
Barbara Writes
Thu, 2012-02-09 14:26
Loved
Composed what, the workshop or the comment above ?
I don't remember your resonance poetry. Send a link I'll look at it.
*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.
Neopoet Community
loved
Fri, 2012-02-10 05:18
My Regrets
error ...inadvertent
loved
wesley snow
Fri, 2012-02-10 12:10
No I did not!
For you have not ceased to write and if you try to stop, I'll find you, fire bomb your house and publish ALL of your poetry... even the stuff you hate!
ISTAN
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about
author commentloved
Fri, 2012-03-02 02:13
You give me more credit
istan
than ,the Japs gave the
AMERICANS,
when Hiroshima was bombed .
I take it as an honour
Your silence is indicative
Is it SHUT UP call
as in Bridge???
I wonder friendly poet
loved