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When the flowers cry

Submitted by Rula on Sun, 2012-05-06 01:32

This has been a description of my avatar

Once -being blue- I flew to the garden seeking pleasure
Isn't that what we usually get when we walk among flowers?

At the far back corner I could sight
a rare beauty that caught my heart.

But as I stepped closer I heard a sigh,
and found a diamond-tear in her eye.

Eagerly I asked about the matter,
but quite hesitantly that beauty muttered :

“Not only humans feel and fear,"
"even flowers might have a tear.”

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
For clarification, this has been a description for the flower -my avatar- but could as well been universal as it shows that even animals and plants have sentiments and feelings..
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Sun, 2012-05-06 12:19

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i won't argue with your comment
i don't think the majority of people give animals the credit they are due for possessing emotion
and as for plants - it has been proven that they respond to calm environments, music and being spoken to....

i like the write, but think it could do with a little more work..
some couplets rhyme, some don't...
imho either/or is best, not mixed
mixed confuses me in reading (lol an easy thing to do anyway, so i wouldn't worry about it too much if i were you) and draws my attention away from the message

and some of the wording is a little 'off'
eg
'At the far back corner I could sight
a rare beauty that caught my heart'
perhaps something more like
'At the far back corner I caught sight of
a rare beauty that stole my heart.'

i do like the internal rhyme and the word usage in, for example
'Once -being blue- I flew to the garden seeking pleasure' ...

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Rula

Wed, 2012-05-09 03:10

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This has been an out of the cuff dear Juddy..I admire
your suggestions and will be more careful next time
so that my heart will not be stolen ..Lol..I shall always
miss the right native expressions unless you would
invite me to your side for a month or two.Just then I will stop
giving you some hard times with RULA's Special Theasures..Ha!
Thanks a lot dear Juddy. Wish you'd never give up drop me some
more visits

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

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Rula

Wed, 2012-05-09 03:15

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You are right lonnie. The flow needs some work . I will also try to read more of Frost's . I really like the way in which his poetry flow..Thanks for the visit and the advice.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment
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