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When The Earth Was Born (Limerick WS)

When our earth planet was born
'twas a wild, ferocious morn
Then it started to cool
In a swimming pool
a boo bounce dance like a pop corn

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

Come on! We want serious emotion, philosophy, poetry beauty.
a boo bounce dance like a pop corn?
That's silly.
You can do better.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

at least what I think.
This is how when you put something very hot in water to make it cool.
watch this

http://www.wimp.com/lavaice/

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

but listen to the words
a boo bounce dance like a pop corn
trivial.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

In a humorous limerick this last line would have worked, but as Jess said it's a little strange for what was attempting to be drama (don't feel bad... Jess is gonna ream me... my first two submissions are humorous. I can't seem to write seriously in this format).

Line two has a typo. "Mom" should be "Morn".
Your subject was good though, I can't think of anything but Ebola and Jess is already mad at me.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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It is in fact m o r n if you have a closer look
Glass' s on? :)
I am trying to rework that line.

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

Gem

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Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

When stick like this, I suggest you take a fresh look to explore other possibilities like an example below..

When our planet was born
'twas a ferocious morn
Then it started to cool
from a gaseous pool
eons before life took form

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

really, Rula, for a serious limerick that last line has got to go.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

your suggestion is really brilliant.
Thank you.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

me like.
Might conflict with Barbara's creationist views though.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

You have a brilliant vocabulary. I suggest you come up with an alternate for spawn, to rhyme perfectly with born & torn

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

May be I am wrong. What i meant was a word with an r in it would perhaps make it more perfect.

raj (sublime_ocean)

Funny...felt like a scorn....lol

raj (sublime_ocean)

Many words in the English language use an unprinted "R". Such as "Thrawn". Spelled such it sounds as though it rhymes with "on". However, many dialects (mostly in the east of the U. S. and Britain) will pronounce it as "Thrawrn". Try "warsh" instead of wash.
It's an affectation a lot like country western slang. It is a deliberately designed method of changing language in a swift and unnatural way instead of slowly generating over centuries or millennium.
BUT... the English speaking language is as the English speaking people speak it.
I don't like the "r", but I'll fight to the death to defend her right to speak that way,
So, the words do indeed rhyme.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

and rhyming poetry in general gets really tricky.
Not only do regional dialects make words rhyme differently but they play havoc with meter.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ok. I withdraw my suggestion.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

We do daily learn something new and I am for one who appreciate WHAT EVERYTHING you suggest. Your comments are always welcome.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

by now we all know
earth is ours
and a planet too
don't you think the word
planet
thus becomes superfluous
when in poetry every word counts
just my view 4 u

seems that this little limerick has failed on every level.
Anyway I have enjoyed trying the least.
I find it difficult to fix .
Appreciate your visit and the comment

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Look at the conversation we had over it. Look at the number of new concepts that were discussed. All we needed was an argument over something controversial, but that would be out of place in a Rula thread.
Did you learn anything about the rhythm of the limerick? Did anyone else?

No, the limerick is a success.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

But I don't think I have learnt the right rhythm yet.
Have you?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment

Partly because the sound is so silly I don't seem to write seriously.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

to stretch your limits of form versus content. I am a little disappointed you haven't tried harder.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

tried (grins)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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