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What if Transparency ?

we make love we give love
yet sadness almost always fills our hearts
there is a great void that block that imagination
a peer of a sullen mast explosion

still we are not mere robots in our circle of friends
socialites with chatter boxes for voices
we run circles around the exterior base
paint pictures in the sky of an alabaster box in disguise

the maddening hedges that fumigate the montage display
perhaps this was the exact place where nomads went
torn lashes in their visible spent brevity
yet we arrange music in our heads

as if for a brief moment we are reluctant to its sound
the sun dial points to north but we persist going south
a beautiful arrangement of flower beds out on the lattice ledge
colors forming of a sparkling array of brilliance with blue & red

Yet to become transparent in the madness of the day
through a setting sun we run as naked predators out to pasture
never to prepare for the great here after
through its rudimentary laws of logic we lie helpless

A tug at the heart will light the spark to where we need to go
The promise that was made in the dark has now come to light
A bitter sweet ending from all its strife
left to ourselves we can do nothing lest we are attached to the vine

Crafted in great elegance for all the world to see
What is my last but parting plea

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


Firstly, part of this is my preferences, so take that into account.

My preference is structure. My preference is punctuation that serves as a road map of how the poem should scan. My preference is a consistency to a piece of work.

So, your piece had none of this and that is neither good nor bad. It's just my preference and does not indicate anything else.

With that in mind, I found your piece frustrating to read. The four line stanza indicated, to me, a structure. Yet, without punctuation of a consistent or directed flow, I got to the point where I stopped reading.

Perhaps I am not your target audience, and that is fine.

But, as a consumer of your work, I lost interest and decided I was working harder to read the piece than you did writing it.

I'm against that.

So, I am going to recast your first two stanzas with a more deliberate choice without changing a word:

We make love.
We give love.
sadness almost always fills our hearts.

There is a great void that block(s) that imagination.

A peer
of a sullen mast explosion.

we are not mere robots in our circle of friends,
with chatter boxes for voices.
We run circles around the exterior base,
paint pictures in the sky
of an alabaster box in disguise.

Only you know how your work should scan. If you don't instruct the reader they must wade through and you have to hope they find more value than frustration in the journey.

Lastly, questions as titles are, in the vast majority of cases, weak choices. They set a tone that you, the writer, are uncertain in your approach. Uncertainty can work, but it can't be wandering and unfocused.

Of course, this is just my take. You , as the writer, must decide if your effort meets your intent.


Jonathan Moore

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