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The webs of love

The webs of love are intricately spun:
passionate bodies and sudden bucks of lust,
mouths savored, goblets for gods' good drink,
rich from ancient harvests
of desire
and such helpless tenderness,
when all of that is done-

an unexpected sweetness
a tumble of words without a voice
and then-

bird song

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have just re-worked the last lines, Is this better?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can find nothing to crit

Exquisite poem

Nice to meet you I look forward
to reading more from you

Regards Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks, Jayne-Chloe. This is such a lovely forum - and such a wealth of poetry to read. I look forward to learning from everyone.

Jenifer

author comment

You and FrenchF.

Really loving your poetry, it has rekindled my jaded interest.

There is a lot of prosodic skill in this work, but frankly it is a pain to analyse it fully unless there are glaring mistakes, which there are none. So, sorry, no technical feedback from me unless you specifically ask for it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Welcome to the asylum lol. I'm not much of a free verser but even I can recognize a good one when I read it and This is such. The only thing which I wonder about is the last line.............maybe silent bird song? Just a thought ...................stan PS another darned Aussie ! Well I reckon we can survive yet another one (just kidding)

Thank you, Scribbler - I agree about the last line. This is a rough draft and I posted it to get to sleep last night, otherwise I would have kept going with it until morning! I need a life! I have started re-writing it and think it is nearly done. PS I am only a pretend Aussie.

Jenifer

author comment

Thank you Beau - everyone has been very welcoming and I love the process of development here.
I tried using the ellipses to pause the line in the rough draft, but have already re-written it in the next draft. I find them quite clumsy as well unless used by the bloody brilliant, quirky or expert. I have also noticed that sometimes when people read poetry out loud (which I tend to), ellipses do not serve their intended purpose.

Jenifer

author comment

If you want to lend a pause without using................, you could just leave a space between lines and thus isolate and lend weight to that line, just an idea...............................stan

Absolutely -

love it

works

Jenifer

author comment
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