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The webs of love
The webs of love are intricately spun:
passionate bodies and sudden bucks of lust,
mouths savored, goblets for gods' good drink,
rich from ancient harvests
of desire
and such helpless tenderness,
when all of that is done-
an unexpected sweetness
a tumble of words without a voice
and then-
bird song
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
I have just re-worked the last lines, Is this better?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Seren
Fri, 2013-01-04 07:29
Hi Jenifer
I can find nothing to crit
Exquisite poem
Nice to meet you I look forward
to reading more from you
Regards Jayne-Chloe
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Jenifer James
Fri, 2013-01-04 07:55
Thanks, Jayne-Chloe. This is
Thanks, Jayne-Chloe. This is such a lovely forum - and such a wealth of poetry to read. I look forward to learning from everyone.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentweirdelf
Fri, 2013-01-04 08:55
Wow! There are two new powerful voices on Neopoet
You and FrenchF.
Really loving your poetry, it has rekindled my jaded interest.
There is a lot of prosodic skill in this work, but frankly it is a pain to analyse it fully unless there are glaring mistakes, which there are none. So, sorry, no technical feedback from me unless you specifically ask for it.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Fri, 2013-01-04 09:49
Hi Jenifer
Welcome to the asylum lol. I'm not much of a free verser but even I can recognize a good one when I read it and This is such. The only thing which I wonder about is the last line.............maybe silent bird song? Just a thought ...................stan PS another darned Aussie ! Well I reckon we can survive yet another one (just kidding)
Jenifer James
Fri, 2013-01-04 15:21
Thank you, Scribbler - I
Thank you, Scribbler - I agree about the last line. This is a rough draft and I posted it to get to sleep last night, otherwise I would have kept going with it until morning! I need a life! I have started re-writing it and think it is nearly done. PS I am only a pretend Aussie.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentJenifer James
Fri, 2013-01-04 16:34
Thank you Beau - everyone has
Thank you Beau - everyone has been very welcoming and I love the process of development here.
I tried using the ellipses to pause the line in the rough draft, but have already re-written it in the next draft. I find them quite clumsy as well unless used by the bloody brilliant, quirky or expert. I have also noticed that sometimes when people read poetry out loud (which I tend to), ellipses do not serve their intended purpose.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentscribbler
Fri, 2013-01-04 16:50
Me again
If you want to lend a pause without using................, you could just leave a space between lines and thus isolate and lend weight to that line, just an idea...............................stan
Jenifer James
Fri, 2013-01-04 17:00
Absolutely - love it works
Absolutely -
love it
works
Jenifer Jaspa James
author comment