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The webs of love

The webs of love are intricately spun:
passionate bodies and sudden bucks of lust,
mouths savored, goblets for gods' good drink,
rich from ancient harvests
of desire
and such helpless tenderness,
when all of that is done-

an unexpected sweetness
a tumble of words without a voice
and then-

bird song

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have just re-worked the last lines, Is this better?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can find nothing to crit

Exquisite poem

Nice to meet you I look forward
to reading more from you

Regards Jayne-Chloe

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thanks, Jayne-Chloe. This is such a lovely forum - and such a wealth of poetry to read. I look forward to learning from everyone.

Jenifer

author comment

You and FrenchF.

Really loving your poetry, it has rekindled my jaded interest.

There is a lot of prosodic skill in this work, but frankly it is a pain to analyse it fully unless there are glaring mistakes, which there are none. So, sorry, no technical feedback from me unless you specifically ask for it.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Welcome to the asylum lol. I'm not much of a free verser but even I can recognize a good one when I read it and This is such. The only thing which I wonder about is the last line.............maybe silent bird song? Just a thought ...................stan PS another darned Aussie ! Well I reckon we can survive yet another one (just kidding)

Thank you, Scribbler - I agree about the last line. This is a rough draft and I posted it to get to sleep last night, otherwise I would have kept going with it until morning! I need a life! I have started re-writing it and think it is nearly done. PS I am only a pretend Aussie.

Jenifer

author comment

Thank you Beau - everyone has been very welcoming and I love the process of development here.
I tried using the ellipses to pause the line in the rough draft, but have already re-written it in the next draft. I find them quite clumsy as well unless used by the bloody brilliant, quirky or expert. I have also noticed that sometimes when people read poetry out loud (which I tend to), ellipses do not serve their intended purpose.

Jenifer

author comment

If you want to lend a pause without using................, you could just leave a space between lines and thus isolate and lend weight to that line, just an idea...............................stan

Absolutely -

love it

works

Jenifer

author comment
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