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Watching Us Grow( A re-write of Ever Near)

Paths that had been
Blown by winds
Kissed by snow
And washed clean by rain
We traveled together as one

Our only companions
Hardship and strife
I had taken a vow
To be your wife

We saw them through
You and I
In my partial eyes
You are quite a guy

Honoring your words
Of life, love and respect
Although you know
I’m less than perfect

The past year
Grew wings and flew
There are still more years
For us to live through

What the future
Will be no one can know
But we will be there
Watching love grow

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Happy First Anniversary Lon
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like this little poem of sentiment, it has an honest charm that is refreshingly direct.

Just a few thoughts came into my head as I read.-

"We saw them through
You and I
In my eyes your quite a guy"

Wasn't so fond of you're quite a guy, in this otherwise interesting poem.

"There is still more years
For us to live through"

There ARE still more years....
There IS one
there ARE a number. But then this meaning is changing out of use
and laziness and soon, even now, may be the norm so do excuse
me if I am out of time and place?

"Of life, love and respect
Although you know
I’m less than perfect"

The respect and perfect I find are slightly forced.
Using the same words it might be otherwise formulated?

Nice thoughts here Chrys, love from Ann of Norway.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

What a deeply felt write. I have a few alternative you could consider :
L-1 change had to have.......using had makes it seem this time is over
L-8 change had to have for same reason
L-11 begin line with just
L-12 split into 2 lines. Something like
in my partial eyes
you are quite a guy
L-14 change of to on
L-17 try the year just passed
L-19 try let's hope there are more
L-22 change could to can
l-50 tell stan to leave your poem alone........................scribbler

Hope your injuries improve quickly. And always keep in mind my suggestions are only that. If 1 out of 50 help somebody I am a happy camper...............stan

Minus some punctuation to break the flow of the read I think this speaks for itself and very well of thought and heart.

Good job Chrys
Mona

hi these are my fav lines "

Paths that had been
Blown by winds
Kissed by snow
And washed clean by rain
We traveled together as one "

maybe a wee bit of punctuation would help the flow
nice sentiments ,,,,,,,,,zigs
"

I salute anyone who breaks the rules in the interest of art and great poetry writing just as much as I admire poets who craft meter and verse within the confines of good grammar. Walk the tight rope or jump from it and see if you can fly.

I like this one, and apart from the use of the word "love" (heehee I'm kidding, I'm kidding!) I can find no fault.
I was upset to hear that you were involved in a car accident, and vastly relieved to find that you and Lonnie are all right.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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