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Watching The Planes Take Off And Land

Submitted by gregwa8 on Mon, 2018-06-25 01:37

Sometimes memory
Feels like a lottery
Some are lucky
To remember
Their first bike ride
On a wooded road
Others remember
Their first fist fight
With their brother
And the shock
Of blood

Like the planets
Revolving around
The sun
I revolve around
Such pivotal moments
Again and again
And my universe
Is fucked
Or formed
By things that
Feel like
They never
Or happily
Should of happened

When I grew older, however,
I learned to take the reins
To make the memories
Plan the trips
To Paris
Or Yellowstone National Park
Visit the vineyard
Or battlefield
Throw the party

And though
Things are
Still somewhat
Out of my control
I have become the master
Of my own
Recollection

The way it felt
To swallow my pride
And think of my
Family first,
A moment of forgiveness
Internal or shared,
The revelation
Of passion
And heartache
Passion
And heartache

The many conversations
Over bonfire,
home cooked meal,
in a hot tub,
on the road

All of the adventures
Of braving a snowstorm
Or fixing a flat tire
Or sitting in an airport
On waylay
Reading a book
Or making jokes
Or watching
The other planes
Take off and land

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

IRiz

Mon, 2018-06-25 10:59

IRiz's picture
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Great flow and content.
I prefer to use I instead of We.
It makes the story to sound stronger.
Your protagonist is a collective being anyway.

You lost the speed a bit in the middle, maybe later on in a few weeks check if you can sharpen the poem a bit.
As is it stands out and brilliant anyway.
Looking forward to reading more of your works

IRiz

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-06-25 12:13

Eumolpus's picture

For me, if the entire poem were put into the first person it would more engage a reader.Stating with this stanza:

Like the planets
Revolving around
The sun
I revolve around
These pivotal moments
Again and again
And my universes
Are fucked
Or formed
By things that
Feel like
They never
Or happily
Should of happened etc.

I also would prefer the personal events which shaped you memories rather than taking abstract events to consider. I think the title is great! We all have an infatuation with watching planes take off and land, and the feelings of taking off to the unknown, escaping boredom or leaving a life behind, or returning home. I think that should be the central theme of the poem to build your poetic narrative about memory rather than a collage of unrelated incidents.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Thu, 2018-06-28 00:47

gregwa8's picture

Both of you commented on the preference to make it "I" instead of "we", so I moved it around a bit. Did it improve them poem? I like using we as a relating point, when it's about things we all probably share. But I can see how it can come across as really presumptuous. Thanks for the comments and the reads. greg

author comment

gregwa8

Fri, 2018-06-29 00:34

gregwa8's picture

thanks MarkL. glad it was relatable. what is the connection you were making between the first and last stanza? I think I'm missing what you've gotten out of it, in particular.

author comment

gregwa8

Fri, 2018-06-29 00:50

gregwa8's picture

nice! I'm finding myself enjoying keeping short poems that could go on and on. I like the way you think/read :)

author comment

IRiz

Thu, 2018-06-28 08:21

IRiz's picture
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Hello!
Greg.
The poem is much better.
Two questions:
...revolve around
These pivotal moments
Again and again...

Maybe consider to use such instead of these?

One more question what is the purpose of repeating the couple of lines?
Passion
And heartache

And one last thing, repeating "or"
Do you need it? I am not sure. What do you think how the text feels if to connect them simply by comas? Just a question.

IRiz

gregwa8

Fri, 2018-06-29 00:30

gregwa8's picture

thanks for the suggestions, Iriz. I made some changes using your advice. There were definitely too many "or's" in the poem. I used passion and heartache twice, because we go through both on a repeating/regular basis, I think. our memories of the highs and the lows, the hilly terrain of life. thanks so much for helping out! greg

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-06-29 09:23

IRiz's picture
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No problem! I really like the ending.
To me it is a metaphor of reflective joy and in the same time, poet's peeking, and many more

IRiz

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