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Vortex of Desire

Submitted by raj on Mon, 2018-05-14 14:06

when sucked in the vortex of desire
shrills get louder with mounting thrill
passionate strokes stoke liquid fire
when sucked in the vortex of desire
seats of desire crackle like live wire
when sucked in the vortex of desire
shrills get louder with mounting thrill

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
Last few words: 
This my attempt at a Triolet. Not sure if I got it right
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Mon, 2018-05-14 14:17

lovedly's picture

passionate strokes were stoking fire
sucked in the vortex of burning desire

raj

Mon, 2018-05-14 14:38

for stepping by and for your comment
......................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

lovedly

Mon, 2018-05-14 15:12

lovedly's picture

I did not step inside
this time
raj sublime
on neopoet
you alone r having a TOP time
your poetry is really sublime
unlike mine
but then all can't
Everest
climb

chevyvent

Mon, 2018-05-14 15:45

chevyvent's picture

Words can uplift they also can bring down. With words we can soon discover a reason for being like the changing of the seasons. Out of every bit of circumstance we can learn to take part in the dance. Share with each other this notion of being alive to live another day. Giving cadence to the simple and clarity to the blind. Hope you enjoy my latest poetic pieces.

Mario Vitale

raj

Mon, 2018-05-14 15:55

thanks for the read and your comment. Honestly this composition is an attempt to adopt to the Trriolet form of poetry though my comfort zone is free form...

where necessary I have left an honest comment on your poems...we always continue to evolve and i believe so does our poetry too by reading others...keep writing..

regards...
........................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

tyro

Wed, 2018-05-16 15:49

"passionate strokes stoke liquid fire" A great line, I would be very pleased to come up with something like that. I think you did a vary good job with the triolet, because it comes over as both a logical and a flowing read.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

raj

Wed, 2018-05-16 16:28

Thanks tyro for the read and encouraging words. I do not normally write in structured form of poetry except in haiku and recently in Sunku {Brainchild of IRiz} which is yet to be formally accredited as a poetry form
...................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

tyro

Wed, 2018-05-16 17:53

Hello raj,
let me put it this way. I usually don't like triolets because they come over as forced and disjointed. This is one of the best i have seen, seldom are they so smoothly done. It's a pity no one seemed to notice or appreciate this. I think it is very very good.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

raj

Thu, 2018-05-17 04:32

for returning to this page and leaving it with words of appreciation. Honestly, I concur with you that triolet is too restrictive and leaves little room since two lines among seven get repeated...to make it as relevant as possible with the remaining lines is a challenge...
.........................................................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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