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Vicious Kisses

Submitted by Jasmine. on Sat, 2018-10-27 07:57

I am your quietness
i am your pleasure
your passion my touch
your joy my kiss

there is nothing but you
with dark eye's
and a smile that makes
me forget that i hate you

you decorate my lips with lies
that connect us in a beautiful misery
your wicked words
that forbidden dark
you see me

you - the forever after
salvation in your kiss
twisted by the faith
my soul in all
it's fragments
you have it in your hands

there is no life
in the air we breathe
us, a once upon a time
a fantasy for when
i close my eye's
in a silent house

and you nothing more
than, rough fingertips
calloused words
and vicious kisses

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Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

lovedly

Fri, 2018-11-02 10:39

lovedly's picture

....

zebra

Sat, 2018-10-27 12:38

zebra's picture

I love that you write poetry of desire
I trust you write from the heat of your crotch and the fragility of your heart, because it compels me so
People always see S&M as a physical off kilter intense sensuality that heightens eroticism, assuming they know anything about it, and it is, but it also is about power and supplication mentally dramatized in every relationship. Its about the manipulated and the manipulator or perhaps a tempest in heaven till overcome with grieving or failure, if not the endurance of give and take

In your writing I think you obfuscate or do you not want me to know if those are vicious kisses of passion or vicious kisses because they are weaponized and if both, how so? Having said that I like ambiguity, it makes for an interesting write on the other hand there is writers fear that may compel one to vail
In the end of the piece I am left feeling like you are finally hopeless. The flavor has gone out of the salt but I'm still not entranced
While its a good write I am left wanting more textured language
Poetry is more than a narrative the words themselves must charm, eviscerate, shock force the reader to bend to your will
Your language in my opinion needs more dynamic power, flow and strategy. Break your readers!
I write about similar things so check it as the spirit moves :)
Best Z

gregwa8

Mon, 2018-10-29 01:05

gregwa8's picture

this to me read like a compelling look at desire devoid of love, or complicated, at least. it is a good story, I think. does what good writing is supposed to: put you, acutely, in the mind and emotions of another. thanks for the trip!

Jasmine.

Mon, 2018-10-29 12:05

Jasmine.'s picture

Thank you for your kind words, it is always hard for me to hear what others think about my poems, not everyone is nice with their comments which I don't understand. If I don't like a poem I don't say anything , I just find one I do like and leave a comment. But that is just me.

author comment

zebra

Mon, 2018-10-29 12:24

zebra's picture

Yeah I get it I spent the last 3 yrs on platforms like that Thumbs up thumbs down ,,,oh cool poem , blah blah, In my opinion this is a special site to support and strengthen you Why not go to the trouble to deconstruct the comments and use them as a ladder for evolution Your a writer right Jasmine?

raj

Fri, 2018-11-02 06:04

vivid expressions about memories of a relationship....i wonder if an apostrophe is really necessary is eye's [ Line 2 stanza 2]
...........................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

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