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Valentines Day 2019

The first Valentines present in 27years
Sat on my pillow this morning
In the half light
Expectation was awakened in my mind
It twinkled and slipped between my fingers
Like silk, but silver
light and cold
Placed around my ageing neck
It sat
So bright

You stood alone
Your back turned to the door
Uncertainly I called your name
And said
“I love it”
And you turned and smiled at me
Your absence palpable
Pulsating through the room
Like heat waves
Causing disturbed vision
Paralysing me
Yet my hand moved to my throat
Ensuring reality
And sanity
Were present and correct
I turned and left
You standing
Drenched in power

What does this silver necklace even mean?
An order filled
Or deeper mystery?
My reflection sought that day
On more than one occasion
To capture and demystify this fact -
That 27 years have passed between
That trust has died
And resurrected more than once
That love can mean
So little in that time
…………….And yet
a necklace bought
and placed upon a pillow
On this day
Can mean so much

Editing stage: 

Comments

like you have had doubts about love. I wasn't quite clear about the context of the poem. On one hand, it seems as though your lover is there and you tell him that you love it; then you say that his absence is palpable. Is it that you are surprised that he has given you a Valentine's Day present, when he has not before? What does it mean after so many years of seeming uncaring? "Drenched in power". I'm guessing that your unasked and unanswered question gives him that power and you cannot bear to hear the lie or the truth? I really would like to know the story behind this one. ~ Geezer.
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Thanks for your comments.
Yes, it is confusing because that is the emotion that dominates the relationship. There is love, trust, mistrust and trust again. I think that someone can be there physically but not emotionally, not just to another person, but to themselves. I didn't mean to suggest uncaring, so interesting that you say that, 'that love can mean so little in that time' to me means that sometimes what you think love means, the actions people take or don't take, can be very different to your expectations and understanding. Yes, the 'drenched in power' meaning you said is what I meant, but only drenched in power in my mind, because at that moment it seems that way, because I am unable to connect with him about how I feel to receive the necklace, only to say 'I love it', not 'I l love you' , so I feel powerless myself, as if he has all the power, but again, only in my mind, not his- i don't know! I cant quite believe the gift has been given, does it mean something, or just a necklace? Its sort of like hope, does this mean we can connect properly now, is that what this means? Is the giving of the gift his way of starting a conversation, and then its not, as usual, but love is still there and maybe its enough to have the gesture from him and don't worry about everything else, just know that it means what you deep down know it means and history is the past. Sorry, I suppose it all means something in my head, but not so much when I try to explain it!!!
Thank you so much for asking about it though, its made me think more about it and I will probably revise it much more.

author comment

that you answered me so candidly, and I hope that I wasn't being too personal. I am really interested in the story of this poem. For that is what a poem is. A story. Knowing that story helps to understand why you wrote it the way you did. I think you must have written much of this in your head, before committing it to [paper]. I like the way you have given me time to reflect on each line and what it might mean. Very well written. ~ Geezer.
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No, not too personal at all! I valued what you said, it made me think more about what I had written. Thanks again for your input :)

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Hi Lindsay, I wanted to comment before I read the above comments so I was not removed from my response by another's I began reading & stopped for that reason.

I felt you expressed this very complex & confusing existence very well, so much so that I recognized it - Long term partnership can be very much like that & the longing is occasionally sparked by a renewed hope that can be so simply dashed.. it can be internally devastating & you portrayed that sense very well.

That line - "You standing - drenched in power" hit me like a slow motion, silent canon ball (I wonder if this is a female experience... maybe predominantly?)

I look forward to reading more from you.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

Thank you so much for that - I think maybe this kind of thing is a female experience predominantly like you commented. Of course men may feel this sort of thing but I think women tend to more because we never stop bloody thinking!! Sometimes I envy the men in my life, which I have many of - 4 sons and 3 brothers, only 1 husband though, who isn't all bad (as the poem may suggest) but yes, after a long term partnership you are right, there are ups and downs and the potential to feel great despair and deep love all in an afternoon. Thanks again for your input, it is much appreciated. :)

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