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Untittled

Feel the coldness enveloping you
Listen to the still melody that hangs around the corner of your room
Close your eyes and feel its cold embrace
Forget all the hurts and memories
Drown yourself - bury your heart deep within
Drink your panacea
And fall into deep oblivion
Erase the meaning of life
Just let your heart fall into deep slumber
Must never be awaken
Leave no trace
Let no one find your castle where you sleep
Never fulfill this tale
Never put an end..
Just leave your story unfinished

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

sorry, but your first mistake is Untitled, never, ever leave a poem untitled, it is a failure of imagination and the poem itself.

Second, much worse mistake, is writing the poem in the second person. Write about yourself or others, poems addressed to 'you' always end up preachy or trying to engage others in your own dilemma, without sharing.

I seldom do this, but how do you feel this reads?

The coldness is enveloping
hearing the still melody
that hangs around the corner of the room
Eyes are lost and feel its cold embrace
Forget all the hurts and memories
Drowned, buried deep within the heart

Drinking panacea
And falling into deep oblivion
Erasing the meaning of life
Just letting heart fall into deep slumber
Must never be awaken
Leave no trace
Let no one find castle where we sleep
Never fulfill this tale
Never put an end..
Just leave the story unfinished

That's just a rough edit, but you get my idea? Perhaps opens it up to more readers.

I hope this helps, I don't mean to discourage, I like your writing.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Should there also be -Separation of the first stanza at 4 lines?

I bow to the work that Jess has done on your writing, always remember though that it is yours.
That we sometimes reassemble pieces only means that the original is worth it.
Well done on this write, keep writing it is a worthwhile thing to do,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

This is my attempt to write a darker poem after long time of only focusing on my new perspective in life. I used to write poems with a much darker and cynical mood but I guess I've lost my touch! I am slowly recovering from severe emotional and psychological turmoil that devastated my whole being and my only solace that time was through writing poems that expressed the part of me I couldn't show. Oh dear! I think this one is indeed "emo"!

I'll take note of your tips and advice guys! Thank you very much!

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment

Not sure that is the way it is spelt but was it to do with whoever you pushed off the cliff? Hope not but happy to support if so.

I was thinking of cliff too but in the end, I chose the bridge since it has this strange symbolism I can't really describe.
It has this residual effect on me...When I think of jumping off a cliff, I feel trapped because if I fall into the ocean or sea, there's only the deepness and darkness that pull me deeper and deeper. It ends there but if it's a bridge, the river under it can sometimes be turbulent and sometimes calm. If I fall there, I won't drown right away. My body will have a long way to go before I can reach the ocean and who knows? Maybe my lifeless body can still be recovered...Weird...and morbid....but that's the kind of effect the bridge has on me >.<
Thanks by the way!

"Time is a sly one,
See?
In a blink of an eye,
It is gone."

author comment

One life wasted is one 2 many . Read advice on depression given to sue b in comments on her poem tortured. Our brains play strange tricks with us all the time . The brain makes poems. It also makes happiness, sadness, love , lust, beliefs, memory,. The brain controls it all.most important to take control of your brain and not let it go wandering into places it should not go and thoughts it should not have. Read my poem Apology xxxx

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