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Underneath...

I imagine a dense network of tunnels;        
malleable, hollow tubes narrowing        
then swelling - breathing a complex        
language beyond my comprehension.              
  
The synchrony is beautiful        
and I long to understand it.      
  

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

in such a short piece.

I have a pet peeve about using the word beautiful in a poem, there is always something better. The second stanza I think could be much improved as-

The synchronous threnody
I so long to understand.

what do you think?

my reading-
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/underneath-by-violet

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

This is short and exquisite.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

love the tubes as breathing
a language...

love the use of language in this poem
as a metaphor
and longing

excellent poem..
thank you

Dare I say Beautiful, watching the energy flow through the tubes, our equivalent is fibre optics they carry energy and messages in a stream of light.
The music is what we can imagine and way beyond our thoughts of what is beautiful.
The communication of what we would term as the gods but each of us knows that we are a part of the whole.
Lovely write, take care, Yours Ian .T
PS:- Did you see the tubes, or did they become what you call your imagination????

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

... to each and all of you.

Ian.T,. I appreciate your thorough thought process and comment. All I can say, is that the subject matter is organic. The most complex, fascinating and beautiful one I've ever encountered, and I'll always want to know more.

author comment

memories......
suffusion....

chalk words on rain washed works
the footprints on the trail my dog and i
plow over with our own disregard

vision of utmost clarity
but living in the peripheral

that language i understand
like speaking underwater
sometimes

or the vents
transmission of wavelength

events of transmission

sounds like a poem title

i like your thought pattern and process
i like minds of dexterity
and nimble reason

thank you....

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