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A Trip to Jackson

O how I recall with joy a visit to Jackson, proud capital of Mississippi,
The land of the fearless fatties, the glorious land of the uber-obese,
A paradise enjoying amazingly high blood pressure and diabetes rates,
Thanks to the greed and gluttony of its 'proud-to-be-portly' inhabitants.

How delightful to stroll along its leafy boulevards, admiring the advertising
For junk food shops: "Super-Size Your Deep Crust Giant Pizza for only $1!"
"Real Men love our Emperor Size Cheeseburgers, King Size is for Kids!"
And "Come Try Our All Day Giant Breakfast with Triple French Fries!"

How enchanting to see furniture stores offering discounted extra big sofas,
Builders and carpenters with their cut-price floor-strengthening deals,
Tailors' shops with their displays of buffet pants and elasticated jeans,
Realtors promoting houses with double porches and wide internal doors.

And, O the trailer parks, those truly splendid residential areas,
With their giant size immoveable vehicles with spacious entry portals
To allow the immaculately dressed residents to carry in an armful
Of multi-packs of chocolate iced crème flavour filling Krispy Kremes.

But most wondrous of all, the myriad rival Pentacostal Chapels
With their guaranteed reinforced concrete padded sofa-pews
And their portrayals of plump Jesuses to make the fatties feel at home.
And all those "funeral parlors" with their gaping super-wide caskets.

How I loved the blinking stares of the sleep-deprived bible students
As they staggered out of an architectural wonder of a chapel,
Bleary-eyed after an all-night bible study session, and all eager
For a healthy breakfast of a dozen flash-fried sugar encrusted "donuts".

I was there in this glorious world centre of ever-escalating obesity
With my latest gorgeous lover (at only 160 pounds and five foot nine,
possibly the slimmest human being in the entire Jackson Metropolitan Area)
And we decided to try some good ol' Mississippi fine dining as a treat.

Holey Moley! What a feasts on offer: pan-fried catfish, deep-fried catfish,
Steaks the size of an encyclopaedia and all accompanied by unlimited fries!
Sweet potato and pecan pie with butter, sugar, eggs and extra cream,
And Mississippi Mud Pie with its chocolate crust and sticky chocolate filling!

(The chef de cuisine in our upscale diner told us that Southern cooks
had created this wondrous dessert because its sophicated ingredients
were available cheaply and the recipe required only minimal culinary skill,
and what's more it came with a treble serving of supermarket ice cream!)

We declined the bottomless cup of watery coffee with compulsory sugar
And enquired if we might have a bottle of his finest wine. Quel faux-pas!
The dear chappie was mortified and told us his was a Christian establishment
And strong drink was frowned upon. Did we think he was a degenerate?

That night we lay bloated like beached whales in our tasteful motel room
(its bed reinforced with ferro-concrete to deal with the horrid possibility
that any gargantuan visitors might wish to do each other a favour);
Oh how we burped and farted, longing for a dose of bicarbonate of soda.

All good things come to an end so, after a messy session on the toilet
(we filled it thrice), we bade farewell to the desk clerk and sloped off.
"Be sure y'all come back real soon," he declared, patting his fat gut,
"Cuz you both sure do look two real skinny Limeys, ya hear me?."

As we drove out of this elegant city that steamy Southern summer morn
In our rented 4X4 super-strong chassis Land Rover, how we smiled
At the scene outside Walmart where the special offer of the day
Was five pounds of free candies with every single assault rifle sold.

But alas! And alack! Tragedy was not so very far away that day:
Some corpulent teenagers toppled off the sidewalk under my auto's wheels
In their indecent haste to take advantage of the latest McDonald's bargain:
A quart of complimentary Dr Pepper's with a whole oven-fried McTurkey.

Oy! What a horrid mess my fender made of their pudgy, mottled flesh
And how wise we were to speed off before the cops arrived
At least, we avoided being beaten to a pulp for being leftist libtards
Come to laugh at the dear redneck ways south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

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The USA is renowned as the most obese nation on earth and the state of Mississippi has the highest rate of obesity in the USA (c.40% of the population are clinically obese) and thus Mississippi also enjoys some of the highest rates of diabetes and premature death from heart disease, stroke and other diet-related illnesses in the entire world. A true source of state pride. In order to confer a genuine American flavour to this I have used some American words with which my European readers may be unfamiliar; here are translations for the rest of the world: Auto = Car Candies = Sweets Casket = Coffin Desk clerk = Hotel receptionist Donuts = Doughnuts Fender = Bumper Fries = Chips / Pommes frites Funeral Parlor (or Parlour) = Undertakers' Shop Krispy Kreme = a brand of doughnut, only 290-340 calories per piece Libtard = a rightwing insult for anyone disapproving of capital punishment, who favours gun control or who has a brain Motel = a lowgrade hotel near a noisy man road featuring sleeping huts and free parking Realtor - Estate agent Sidewalk = Pavement Trailer = Caravan Trailer park = Caravan site And a note about weights and measures... 140 pounds = 10 stone or 63.5 Kg. Quart = a US liquid measurement, 33 fluid ounces or approx. 0.95 litres (a US quart is 25% smaller than an Imperial quart) 300 calories = about 1/6th of an adult requirement per day - all available in a single sugary "donut"
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quite a journey through Fattyland. I larfed at least ten lb off 'n me big arse. Kidding; I'm not one of those chunky mammoths, but I have seen those wildebeests.
They come to Arizona to sweat off all that lard--they hope, but it's there to stay.
Our own Mark Twain would have been proud had he written your travel log. Thanks.
Jerry (aka Sloe Slug Slim)

>Please visit my website:

great description ...packed with humor...enjoyed the read..

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thanks for comments. I try to keep my fans amused.

Poet(ess) to the Stars

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