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TOWARD WAL-MART (substance and critique shop)<free verse>

Parked in a sea of hot asphalt
(and it's not yet mid May)
I exit into air as thick as soup,
sweat springing out where I once had hair.
and I begin my plod
....to Wal-mart.

The lot has trees in scattered islands
from one of which an unseen bird
sings his heart out for spring love.
Trees will one year provide more
than a mere tease of shade.

Is it the heat
which brings out the sights
of Wal-Martians in every shape and form?
I've never seen an ass that big
stuffed into so little cloth.

As the wavering entrance becomes nearer
I attempt to use mind over matter
to fight through the oppressive air
by thinking back to December, Salvation Army,
bells ringing beside the slotted kettle
where loose change rings and clatters.

Hurry autumn........

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
the request was for quick and dirty so here it is
Editing stage: 

Comments

Good transformation of the subject, great imagery, good resolution.

I'll take a look at structure later, but this is a great representation.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Since I mainly write in western classic, I'm always a bit surprised when a venture into free verse turns out well. I await your honest opinion on structure when you get to it.......stan

author comment

Punctuation.

It's my belief you can either use punctuation, or not, but when you do both, you just confuse people.

Taking a look at your piece's 1st stanza:

"Parked in a sea of hot asphalt[,]
(and it's not yet mid May)
I exit into air as thick as soup[,]
sweat springing out where I once had hair[,]
and I begin my plod;
....to Wal-mart.

I am not saying each sentence needs a comma, but you have a flow you want to establish and punctuation gives that to the poem, releasing the reading from having to start and stop their read to make the sentences feel natural.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

I see what you mean. I may well Have over punctuated. Will review and edit Tues.........stan

author comment

great poem...I felt like I was
walking along..with you!
Loved the bird part in it..
observations
and notations of what is
just is..

Excellent!

It's often the every day things that nudge the muse isn't it? lol.............I'm pleased you like this little shop quickie.........stan

author comment

with the way your imagery and structure already felt like a kettle on the boil,
almost makes the slotted kettle reference irrelevant.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I had wondered if anybody would connect the wet heat with a boiling kettle . Good to know I wasn't Too vague in the imagery lol..........stan

author comment

I read Jess's comment and see it....
I read the poets comment and go
up for a re read and see it...

I read it and wondered..whats with the
Kettle imagery....
And thinking August....You know you
have your kettle on in august too.
the two seasons when there is mist
humidity..heat..

I pondered it for two seconds and passed
it over..

Why I Love comments.
Thank You!

August in S.C. can feel like living in a boiling kettle. The only good thing about it is the ladies dress accordingly.....welll Usually good lol........stan

author comment

They are separations of the sentence and do the same job in a slightly different way.
"And" cuts the sentence in half while a comma (even multiple times in a sentence) separate it into pieces.

Slightly useful grammar lesson.
Considering yours and my predilection for western classic, this is good verso libre. Thank the many gods I live here and not in S. C. How do you folk stand it with all the cold, the rain and then the heat and the bugs?
Earthquakes are overhyped in comparison.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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and searched to see where i used and and a comma side by side....no results. As to living in S.C. I guess it must be because it feels so good when we Do have those perfect days lol. Let's see, in the golden state you have, earth quakes, wild fires, mud slides, floods, droughts, Los Angeles, smog and worst of all all the nut cases which for some reason migrate there from all over the country lol. Were it not for northern Calif. I don't know how you'd survive. BTW you forgot Our tornadoes and occasional right wing radicals lol.............stan

author comment

You need to mention it at least three times. And what about the 405? The largest parking lot on any interstate of all. The weirdos are helpful though. Just sit on your porch for a while and you'll have more esoteric characters than you can use.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

L.A.? in assume you mean lower Anderson. We have about everything there ya'll have in Calif. including reports of big foot lmao......stan

author comment

Wow..I remember this from years ago....late seventies.....I know punctuation..
I just Hate using it.....Comma is the same as And..space..Rest like In Music rest..
and Poetry is Music class......forget the teacher...remember the works..

South Carolina..My mother loved golfing there...We grew up Mid north Ontario
huge mosquitoes..bugs...rain...heat...storms...we survived...
I actually watch the earthquake stations that America offers and canada.......
all this is online...it s interesting

has about the same definition as adventure : somebody having a really hard time far away lol. Thanks for dropping by.........stan

author comment

prompt word Stan and very enjoyable read.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Kettles are such everyday things I figured why not describe living in the hot kettle of S.C. and then mention the cold kettles of the Salvation Army volunteers to offset it. I'm pleased you liked this and suspect our Carolina heat is likely nothing compared to the heat ya'll endure............stan

author comment

and it is not summer YET. Wait till humid is high then we're talking about a real boiling Kettle

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

i wonder what it is about your part of the world that apparently drives some of the religious fanatics insane. Now I see......it's the heat lol. Keep cool and don't let your brain roast...............stan

author comment

That's madness. It will (I hope) give me a very different perspective on my 34 (when it comes... right now it's 55 degrees Fahrenheit. Clouds even.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

a line from Never Cry Wolf! The old pilot leaning out of the bush plane
banging on the frozen slushy fuel line from the wingtank above with a wrench
the biologist handling the controls..the mountian range face arriving fast..

Other three here are like this....
And when I myself go to Wallmart It is an adventure!!
Im sure they have that as an added thing..
The whole welcome ideology so people come in dressed or
not dressed in the clothes of choice...
The bank of doors open like that...a little courtyard
like the gateway...Even the structure looks this way
The Big Blue entrance..like a castle of goods!!

They have a candy floss machine sometimes
and the bar bee Q set up outside..the girls
are always hollering at the push cart boys they
are out of Sausages!!

Like that this poem has brought so much
memory and attention and feedback

Thank You

let myself imagine anybody will ever read this a couple of hundred years from now, I wonder if they'll have any idea what a "Wal-mart" is that it should be mentioned in a poem lol...........stan

author comment

Nothing to add
Great write, great imagery... and a subtle sub-text (lol, subtext - something you usually are in our face with cos you're worried it'll be missed .... proved you wrong here, at least, young fella)

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

A poet, like a wizard , always arrives precisely when they should lol. The good thing about free verse is MM can't complain about my lack of rhythm lmao. Good to see you back and thanks for the time to read and comment...........stan

author comment

double entry

author comment

Verso Libre requires an "attractive" and consistent rhythm or it lays flat.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

to an extent. But it doesn't require it be exacting or of a particular length

author comment

But... it should read elegantly and not unrhythmical.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Not always true. There are some subjects in which a non-rhythmic flow is better suited.An example would be a poem which covers a chaotic event. The broken rhythm would actually reinforce the chaos found within the poem.........stan

author comment

Maybe... maybe not. Even a sharp and sudden change in rhythm can be done

musically.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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