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TIME TO GO

Warm sand shifts beneath my feet
as I stand atop this dune
near where the waves and sea shore meet.
I know I must be leaving soon.

For now, though, with my gray arms crossed
to ease the pain of a pinched nerve
I slowly let myself get lost
beyond where sea gulls dive and swerve.

Dry sea oats murmur in the onshore wind.
An old couple strolls along the beach
right where the foam comes to its end
seeking to extend its reach.

My gaze goes where the waves first break
and toss their white spume to the air.
I smell oils from where tourists bake
and hear children squeal without a care.

And beyond the breakers jet skis play
barely heard above the ocean's roar
and a trawler slowly makes its way
like each and every day before.

Then, at last, I watch horizon's edge
where the blue sky lightly kisses sea
far beyond the last deep ledge.
I think I see eternity.

Silently I consider this:
how little I mean to the world,
how minuscule my trials and bliss.
Near to nirvana thoughts are hurled.

All distractions fade away
beneath the morning sun's soft glow.
Then I hear my life's love say
"Dear, it's time for us to go."

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

as usual. An amazing descriptive piece with all the details. I assume it's written after the last trip to the beach. And thanks for the new words, "trawler" "minuscule" and "nirvana"

A typo, S5. L1 (skies)
Thanks for sharing.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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You are correct. Seems every time we go to the beach it's for too short a time........maybe that's what makes it special lol. And imagine Me teaching You 3 new words in one poem! Thanks for dropping by and commenting........stan

author comment

just imagine what will happen to me
okay to NEOPOETS
without you
if so soon you go Stan
wait I am coming along
Where is Ian ask him to join
let Jess and Snowman
stay behind to
all Neopoet's mind
but must hence be kind

My "going" from there resulted in my returning home. And although I'm on another few sites my real poetic home is neopoet.......stan

author comment

Thanks Ian
you strengthen in BUDDHA
my belief

''Cut all pain to relieve grief ....'''

so do you want me to cut you
OFF

Stan doesn't in me believe
nor renders grief

this is metaphoric not metamorphic, both Stan and the old Sparrow are staying put to cause you grief,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Thanks Ian
you strengthen in BUDDHA
my belief

''Cut all pain to relieve grief ....'''

so do you want me to cut you
OFF

Stan doesn't in me believe
nor renders grief

Whoever you believe in, if they make your journey Sojourn or whatever a great one and that you always treat all you meet with unconditional love then we will meet and have that cup of Blue Mountain, just whisper my name I will be there at your side,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

A reflective write creates the mood of the theme against the back drop which is succinct. Of course the rhyme is as expected from a master wordsmith.

Just a suggestion from an amateur to check out if it could be a good alternative to

just like every day before.
[just like a daily chore]

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

"master wordsmith"? You have me mixed up with somebody else lol. As for your alternative line, it Is a good alternative but the mood I was going for was one of another day no different than any other. But I Do and always will appreciate ideas from you as well as others..........stan

author comment

Thanks Stan for the clarification. I stay corrected on the basis of the same.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

It's almost impossible to discern exactly what any writer is trying to convey. .......stan

author comment

A really beaut write and the theme is as we both write of sometimes.
To go beyond the seas horizon to where we will meet eventually is premature for us both, but we can still write of the journey, or think of these things we are both old enough now to know so much.
Take care as it is not a race we will both take our time in deciding these things.
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Yes, I think one needs a bit of aging before he/she can write effectively about that final door. But what would two spring chickens like Us know about that? lol.......stan

author comment

I have been gone too long and am sure I have missed more than just you... I have missed much of your work.
Sad I should think.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I certainly enjoy the picture painted, and how all the senses are brought into play. Brings back a memory many of us can relate to on some beach, somewhere, in that situation.
The rhythm takes on a very song like 4 stress sounds to a line with a few breaks which my tongue can't work around and break flow; If i attempt 4/4 with "to ease the pain of a pinched nerve" , doesn't work right.
Also "how little I mean to the world" does not fit, is only 3 beats. I keep thinking that line also is the weakest in the poem, as it's too plainly stated and is too important to the poem. I think the smallness you feel at that moment in the universe needs a very charged metaphor or more elaborate poetic rhetoric; that idea is surrounded by rich symbolism and descriptions, and so it needs to be elevated as it is ultimately the main theme of the poem.
It is refreshing to read this very structured beat and rhymed poem which does not feel stilted or forced. I think that's called "craftsmanship"

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thanks for both dropping by and leaving well thought out feed back. I am continuously reviewing and editing even my oldest poems. Indeed that's what brought this one back on stream lol. I will give that pinched nerve line more thought and eventually see if I can do something with it. As to "how little I mean to the world", this was intentionally written short to physically reinforce the line's message. I'll give it some thought but I likely will leave it as is.........stan

author comment
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