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Thunder In the Tundra

Submitted by gregwa8 on Fri, 2018-10-19 01:41

Like a night without stars
I wonder where you are

I feel the cold
All the way in my bones

Like a tree without leaves
The way my heart grieves

You never answer
Your phone, anymore

Cause it’s thunder in the tundra
And I’m feeling twice as lost
It’s trouble now on trouble
I feel like I’m losing the coin toss

Like I’m in a country far from home
And I’m all alone

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
Another song I wrote; I'll leave the link in the comments. It's just a sketch, so it's not the best production. I apologize.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

gregwa8

Fri, 2018-10-19 01:42

gregwa8's picture

https://soundcloud.com/gregwa8/thunder-in-the-tundra

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Geezer

Sat, 2018-10-20 15:44

Geezer's picture
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the spelling of Thunder in the title to [Thunda]; the colloquial spelling [accent] makes it flow better. I would also set up the line: Your phone, anymore: in this way instead. Your phone....anymore. It leaves the word phone to rhyme with the word [bones] used previously, but with [anymore] still a part of the line. Beyond that I don't see anything I can suggest to make this better. Nice job. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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gregwa8

Sun, 2018-10-21 21:32

gregwa8's picture

thanks, geezer!

author comment

chevyvent

Sun, 2018-10-21 12:40

chevyvent's picture

Smart testing the water you look to light the flame,
feeling like Daniel in the lion's den to promote the message from within
surface still the idea of letting go to bust up the beat to promote its tempo
this piece is remarkable I like it a lot very nicely scattered and done,
keep it going from the heart you got here, Poet Mario William Vitale

Like , "A night without stars".

Mario Vitale

chevyvent

Sun, 2018-10-21 18:44

chevyvent's picture

You compel me to grow to go beyond my means.
I was going to give up writing before until I read your poetry
Sought a glimmer of hoe made sure to really develop an edge to writing
You are keen on developing new insight faultless before each take.
Thank you for your time.

Mario

Mario Vitale

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-10-21 21:32

gregwa8's picture

keep it up, Mario! thanks for your read and comments.

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