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through stony rooftops

Submitted by riotface97 on Wed, 2015-02-25 02:59

through stony rooftops
brazen windows
and heavy doors
the stars don’t shine

yet still we sit
laughing
as we lift to our lips
a dangerous cocktail
of greed, boredom
and ageing whiskey

it runs cooly
over our twisted tongues
my breathing
covers the walls

and i stagger
stagger, through a labyrinth
of wire hedges
barbs ripping open
any chance
of feeling alive

ha! how naïve

only now we realise
we were waiting
for 1987
for big brother
for control

our tired knees
trembled with fear

and as we watched
vigilant as crows
they lured us
into a broken cell
of corroded pleasure
and a brave new world

all the while
preaching

it’s ok

everything’s ok

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Not too sure about this one, would love anyone to point out any sections that appear jarring or unnatural. Thanks
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2015-02-27 12:46

Roscoe Lane's picture

I like the feel of this poem, the hint of danger, that we're sleep walking through life. And not really taking part in what is happening around us. I think this maybe the first of your poems i've read if so i enjoyed this very much. And a heartfelt welcome to Neopoet. Regards Roscoe....

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

judyanne

Fri, 2015-03-06 09:14

judyanne's picture
Volunteer badge

Ditto, what Roscoe said
It reads really smoothly
I'm at a kind of loss as to the theme,
at first I thought you were talking about a war
Then '87 and big brother -you can't be talking about Hawke...
and the end had me flummoxed
Lol - sorry if I'm a little thick, but I still liked the read :)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

scribbler

Fri, 2015-03-06 14:47

Volunteer badge

Already covered what I was going to say lol. Yet I Do still have one suggestion. Think a bit on whether "brazen" is the right word to use in line 2. You are talking about a window through which starlight can' shine and I think there might well be a better description : smoked, obscure, tinted, blacked out, just for starters...........stan

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