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Thoughts Gone Astray
Cold callused hand of fate
let hold your grip ,so tight
Let me spread my wings and take flight
to a new and bright tomorrow
abandon all the toil and trial
Show me where I should be instead
stop playing dreams through my head
I know full well where I need to be
uncover these eyes so they may see
So lost among the distant plains
deluged by the persistent rain
obliterating all the pain
but leaving one empty
still the same
Heartache. hardship and the story goes on
when and where it ends time will tell
somewhere in the distance
the tolling of the bell
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-10-18 09:37
Teddy
thank you I appreciate the visit
Chrys
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author commentGeezer
Sun, 2020-10-18 09:49
Yeah...
I hear ya. Don't think that there is anything I can help with, but if... Anyway, I feel the ache and I know that if you let it, time heals the wound. Never completely, but enough to let you sleep at night and get on with your life. I see a couple of things here,
1] Get rid of the comma in the 2nd line, you don't need it.
2] First line 2nd stanza put an h in should
Nothing much else to add; a story as old as human-kind. Smoke some kind-bud and do the "Bobby" Don't worry, be happy."
~ Gee.
.
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c lynn brooks
Sun, 2020-10-18 15:08
Gee
thanks for the read. I will fix that stuff shortly . This is the point and time I am at right now today
Chrys
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author commentLavender
Sun, 2020-10-18 17:26
Thoughts Gone Astray
Hello, Chrys.
I saw a funny quote the other day, no reference given: "I would go out of my mind, but I can't find the exit." That's so true, at least for me - I get in deeper and the thoughts certainly do seem to stray. I feel frustration in this piece, but more than that - I feel a lot of strength. Geezer's suggestion just about tipped me over! Too wonderful! :)
You are inspiring, and I send you tons of warm wishes.
Thank you!
L
c lynn brooks
Mon, 2020-10-19 07:46
lavender
thank you so much
Chrys
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author commentGracy
Sun, 2020-10-18 22:32
Dear lynn, lovely poem. I
Dear lynn, lovely poem. I think I emphasize with a lot of it, it strikes one's heart, in good as well as sad ways.
No nits, the title, content and spacing are all perfect. Enjoyed, Gracy
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
c lynn brooks
Mon, 2020-10-19 07:47
Gracy
thank you
Chrys
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author commentc lynn brooks
Mon, 2020-10-19 14:57
Jerry
Hey now yes you got the correct bell thank you so much for stopping by
Chrys
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author commentThalassa Brytaye
Tue, 2020-10-20 16:07
Response and Critique
This is a beautiful poem, and so tangent as to make the reader feel like they are breathing within its thought the rain, the smell of plains, and hearing the distant bell.
My only critique would be that in Vs3, Ln3 "Obliterating all of the pain" would have a more consistent meter if you dropped the 'of'. I stumbled over it at the first read.
~
"To reveal art and conceal the artist is art's true aim." Oscar Wilde
c lynn brooks
Thu, 2020-10-22 15:10
Thal
thank you so much will drop the of
Chrys
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