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Thank You, God ( November Contest)

Submitted by alidzain on Tue, 2015-11-03 14:37

I see the colours and shapes that fill the earth
and the joy of a dead land embracing rebirth.
I hear the sound of rustling leaves from the trees
as I enjoy the gentle caress of a summer's breeze.

I smell the fragrance from a bouquet of flowers,
and see declaration of hearts from hopeful lovers.
I feel my mum's rough hands when I clasp them in greeting.
and remember her struggles through years of caring.

I'm thankful to God for experience gained
from the gifts of sight,,smell, hearing and feeling,
for the peace in my country that's no longer restrained
and the wonderful life that's worth living.

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Contest:

THANKS

Comments

Barbara Writes

Tue, 2015-11-03 16:00

Nice work

I've walked through swan lake gardens in my city and your poem thankfulness makes think of how God creatively designed us to enjoy it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

alidzain

Tue, 2015-11-03 16:06

Thanks Barbara

I'm still not happy with it but don't know how to improve.

Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2015-11-03 18:47

Alid

A tribute to being, and those around you.
That have made your now.
They will always walk within you,
Their ways will be as a beacon to reach out for.
Yours as always Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Tue, 2015-11-03 18:55

Thanks Ian

I am waiting for someone to help me tweak this one abit.

Alid

author comment

Sparrow

Tue, 2015-11-03 18:59

Alid

I have been away for 9 days,
so I will have a better look at this one later when time permits,
Take care and know that there are many walking with you,
Yours as always, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-04 13:12

Ian

I think I won't edit this anymore so that I can focus on the ballade writing exercise which is soooo much tougher than sonnet. I think after I finish my ballade, I'll be out celebrating my success. lol.

Alid

author comment

wesley snow

Wed, 2015-11-04 16:16

I know you will.

You will have whipped the second hardest form in English poetry.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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wesley snow

Tue, 2015-11-03 21:56

Don't touch it.

It is lovely and if you read it like you had never read it before you would see that. It moved me near the end. That doesn't happen much anymore. I've read too much... don't touch it. It is finished.
Revel in it and leave it alone.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-04 03:30

Wow, thanks, Wes

for the visit, the read and the kind words,

Alid

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2015-11-04 03:49

i agree with Wes to a point...

Just a few little niggles that i think need attention - remember, apart from the grammar and spelling corrections, it is just imo....
To my ear, a couple of verses are just a tad long...

I see the colours and shapes that fills the earth (fill)
I hear the sound of rusling leaves from the trees (rustling)

l smell the fragrance from a bouquet of flowers,
the declaration of hearts from hopeful lovers.
(Sounds like you smell the hearts ...
maybe 'watch declaration of hearts... ?)

I am thankful to God for the experiences I have gained
(Here's one i found too long - maybe
I'm thankful to God, for experience gained)

and the wonderful life that is worth living. (Another a tad long
Maybe 'that's' instead of 'that is')

Beautiful write Alid...
best of luck in the contest
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-04 04:03

Judy!

Thank you so much. I do feel some lines are too long but I don't know how to trim it without messing up the message. A question, though.

''I'm thankful to God, for experience gained''
Shouldn't it be ''experiences'' instead?

Alid

author comment

judyanne

Wed, 2015-11-04 04:55

its a subtle difference

but you might've missed that I dropped the 'the'
'I'm thankful to God for the experiences gained'
'I'm thankful to God for experience gained'
to my ear it just reads smoother without the 's', and without the 'the' 'experience' can be read as broad, which is the same as pleural ....
Hope this helps xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

alidzain

Wed, 2015-11-04 11:55