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You are the prisoner of your own tongue,
diminished to a minnow, spat into a puddle;
by one wrong word, you came undone
and now you're in a man-made muddle

She wears her scorn now, on shoulders,
shuddering under a brow black shawl;
you thought it would make you bolder
and that thought traversed the wall

And made it past your guarded lips,
and wouldn't mean anything at all.
You've made a widow of those hallowed hips,
and a widower of passion who falls

on the mercy of a shrine to this fate:
where two hearts, swollen black with hate;
enfold and dismantle every gentle kiss
and all the gathered moments come too late

To hide a truth, that you laid bare,
dull thudding like a dental pain
The truth is that you were never there
and time will remind you, over again

You'll keep, in generational wounds,
your longing spirit, distilling;
that fear woven solitude looms,
and the time will go on killing.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
This is rough - in progress - more to come. Edit: OK a bit more, hopefully satisfying the grammarians out there (of which, I'm not one) - never say never though.All comments helpful.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hello vandiemenspeak,
You have a fine grasp of rhyme.
Rhythm lets you down a little.
I could not follow the thread of your thoughts as laid down.
Maybe you should edit this a little and fix the grammar.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

Granted, it does need work, i thought i had it in "rough draft" - and i do intend to come back to this - soon.

Thanks.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

I love rhyme and imagery.

Alid

Glad you enjoyed, will be getting a polish this one.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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