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the temple

dressed as freely as i came
adorned with nothing, the mirror reflecting beauty and strength
a sacred temple is what i am
a little bit of honey, chocolate, milk, lightning and scars
treating me otherwise is pure ignorance
so with trembling knees and bowed head, you will worship in spirit and in truth.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
i was inspired in the bathroom.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I think a Lot of people are inspired in the bath room but just won't admit it lol. Welcome to neopoet. If you have any problems such as navigating the site just ask me or any other member.....stan

And has good inner logic. It's short enough to read over several times, so here's a few comments:
putting chocolate so close to milk makes it sound too much like "chocolate-milk", i would try to put it a different way. Also the length of the last line...i think it should be broken into 2 lines.

I think you have a serious theme here, the body as the temple, including its "lightening and scars" (very strong line). Thanks for your poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

your comment means a lot to me...half of the times i just write..being a toddler in poetry
but this comment is very inspiring

thanks

author comment

and also like this very much.
I look forward to more.

Cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Director.
Contact the AC, Richard (themoonman) or myself with any queries or problems.

you...

author comment

... that speaks truth. Aren't we all sacred temples? But you are aware of your sacredness, and it inspires others to tap into theirs.

Same, agree with Eumolpus, and another thing - do you truly need the punctuation at the end? Would an open end to the poem challenge the reader more to absorb what they've just read?

 

Love,
Steph

... to remember what it felt like to have my being set alight
beneath the moon when I was full and I was dancing with the night
when I could see beyond my sight
when I could see beyond my sight

Very much, I hope that you continue to voice out your opinions, I still have so much to learn

author comment
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